That is Christmas

For unto us a child is born,
unto us a son is given.

Every time a hand reaches out to help another.....that is Christmas.

Every time someone puts anger aside and strives for understanding.....that is Christmas.

Every time people forget their differences and realize their love for each other.....that is Christmas.

These words are in each and every Christmas card I send. I would like to add to the words that this means 24/7, 365 days a year. But I resist, do some people need to be told this? I am far from perfect, I need to work on these words every day of my life, some days are easier than others.

I love the "feeling" of Christmas, minus the rush. I want to celebrate Christmas, on that day, in peaceful surroundings, which means not going to my Mom's and being surrounded by siblings that are judgemental, and for a few of them, they don't understand true forgiveness. By being there, it adds to the day an ugliness, one that is encouraged by some, and ignored by others. I am afraid of hurting her feelings by not showing up. She would rather I go through the motions, I know. In my family, it has always been more about "show" rather than feelings. With Dad gone, our Elmer's glue, the one who preached and demonstrated forgiveness, I find it almost scary to go there and celebrate Christmas. When Dad was with us, you just knew not to misbehave around him. Now with him gone it's no holds barred. I wish Mom wouldn't ignore it, I wish she had the strength to say knock this shit off! She is tired I know, and that I understand because that's who she is. Even if things are broken, she wants to pretend that all is OK. Only because she is 74, and starting to become forgetful, I say nothing. I am still angry though, mostly angry with myself for not being able to stand, or to take a stand and spend Christmas the way I feel is Holy. I told Mom after Dad died, that I would embrace and forgive each and everyone of them from the bottom of my heart, and I still mean it, I am open, they are not. I am anxious about the facade I have to wear during those 4 hours of Christmas, it does not seem God pleasing to me, or is it?

I must say...

it has been a long haul since June. If I really think about it, life is a long haul, always. There is death, and there is life. I will recover from this "slump" I seem to be wading in. My brother-in-law passed away recently, and he will be so missed. He had the largest hands of any man I've ever met. They were true "workin hands".
My husband's first son and his wife had their first child, our first grandchild, on Nov. 2. When I looked into Sophia's eyes that evening, I felt as if I fell in love "again". She is perfect in my eyes, because she is. I want to buy her a pony. I want to spoil her. I want her to know me. I want her to reach for me one day, and know she'll find comfort.

Mary looked into

his eyes, and mouthed "I Love You". He took his last breath with that knowledge. It has been a long day. I need to rest.

As I stand still

if feels as though life is flying by me. I'm standing still because I choose to. I choose to stand and watch, unsure of how I feel about things, unsure of what is happening. I know I'll be called to duty soon, no longer will I be able to stand here in my comfort zone. You will need me after your husband, my brother-in-law dies, and another will need me when they turn her heat off this winter because she cannot pay her bill, and another will need me when she cannot remember where my dad put something, and another will call on me when she is at wits end, wondering why my 7 year old autistic niece's teacher isn't meeting her needs. Lately, I wonder how I keep it all together, but I know I must. I do not search for pity, that is below me, but I do search for answers. On the bright side, this morning was especially beautiful and peaceful, changing seasons, both around me, and within me. I ask that God gives me strength.

Garbage truck

I watched the garbage truck go by this morning, and I noticed the "new" paint job on the side of it, it read, "Our landfills provide 17,000 acres of habitat for wildlife."
I had to think about that for a while.

I look at the clock on the computer..

and realize it is still today. I'm happy about that. Today was busy, But the "down times" today were wonderful.
Two good things, number 1, I lay awake in bed this morning, maybe half awake, you know that feeling, drifting in and out. I look at the clock and it is 7:30 am, I look at the clock again, it is 8:30 am. , I close my eyes, it's Sunday, I want to sleep in...........all of a sudden I feel this "drop" on the bed, I feel hot air, I hear Ha,Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, I open one eye, it's all over for me now, she knows I'm awake....I got a face wash like I've never had, and then she snuggled close to me, and she was able to go to sleep, while I lay there wide awake. Life is good.

Number 2, Sunday afternoon....I returned from the store with Amanda, I walked out on the deck to talk to "my Jim", he walks out of the garage and is wearing suspenders, he walks up to me and and slides his thumb under one of the straps and says, "Yea, since I'm gonna be a Grandpa, I might as well start wearing suspenders." ( he is tired of pulling his pants up. ) When I first looked at him, and heard his words to me, I almost fell over laughing. Then I said to Jim, "you look good in those" , and at that moment, along with thinking he looked great,I felt as if we entered into a different phase of our life. We will have our first grandchild soon, Jim's oldest son and his wife are going to have a girl, I am so happy for them. Life is good.

This is pertaining to my brother-in-law

Jim was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on July 21. The cancer has spread to his kidney, liver, adrenal gland and brain. He had 10 days of radiation on his brain in August. The latest scans showed that the radiation had little affect on the tumors in his brain. They will begin chemo next week, (Sept. 10th) with a plan of 3 treatments, 21 days apart. He was feeling well until Tuesday, when he developed a fever and extreme exhaustion. He is ready for the fight, but the family is feeling very overwhelmed right now.

Whom ever reads this, please pray, pray with all you've got...thank you.

This evening my

daughters asked me to sit down and watch this video with them, I was moved, and also elated that they recognize the temptations that are out there.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

The toughest job I've

ever had, is raising teenage daughters...enough said. It is certainly not for wusses, so there.

You know you're a redneck if....

you park your pickup truck near a toll road with two recliners in the bed, drinking beer out of a mug watching traffic go by.
You know you're a redneck if the restaurant kitchen is on fire, flames are shooting through the roof, and you tell the patrons you are going to ask the cook if he can STILL cook what you ordered. You're a even bigger redneck when you ask me as I'm evacuating,"Are y'all coming back soon"?........... Sorry, not in my life time.
I left the serenity of a Traverse City vacation for a wedding in Elkhart, Indiana...home of the rednecks. I must say though, Mom and I haven't laughed that hard together, in a long time...if ever, it was good for the soul.

Thanks Louie

I went to my store alone last night, to be creative. I just needed to be alone. A part of me wanted to be there for the fireworks, as I love them so. As I crossed the street to watch the fantastic display over the river, I felt dad. I said to dad, "I'm watching these for you, and I'm enjoying these for you". Nothing could distract me from standing there and taking it all in for dad. It was just he and I, among 200,000 people, it was just he and I. I heard him sing to me when they played this song by Louie, I placed my little feet on dads feet, held his hands, and danced with him slowly while the sky was flashing...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I have so much to say....

but no energy at all. I am like a spent bullet, only better, there is still life in me ;) My business is doing fantastic, for the first week anyway. The downside of owning a business is you have to deal with ALL sorts of people, maybe I'll finally learn patience. My partner is better at socializing with customers, since her personal life is full of socializing because of the status of her family. Me, I'm a behind the scenes kind of girl, I prefer to stay quiet, and I'm comfortable with just listening. But I swear, I must have this sign on my face that says, "please come to me and tell me about your life". Now here's a sentence for you, " I know more about people, that I don't even know, then I care to know". I'm not complaining, really, I find it sort of comical, in a way. I really miss writing my thoughts down, so I end up carrying them for days on end. Life will slow down after summer is over, I'm sure.........or maybe not.

From the bottom of my patriotic heart......

God Bless America!

A evening with Mom

It has been about a month or so that I've been able to spend time with Ma...just Ma and me....not ma and I, ma and me. Time seems precious to me since dad died. We spent our evening walking through a family cemetery, where lie many of moms cousins and her grandparents. There was a story told for each one. And I listened closely...never knowing if this might be the last time I hear these stories, I don't know when we'll have a walk like this again. I walked closely behind mom, her step isn't as sure as it used to be. We noticed how some graves were kept up with flowers and such. We would comment on how nice it is that their family does that....I say to ma, "I'm sure glad I was raised the way I was", I will always feel an obligation to take care of the family I have here on earth, and to those who have passed. What went unspoken between the two of us tonight was, I'll be here as long as God allows me to, to take care of her and dads grave someday, and she knows I'll make sure my daughters know that it is an obligation too.

More random writing

My thoughts have been pouring out the past two days, "pent up thoughts" they are. Sleep has been short, and when I do, I think in my sleep. I am angry at some people, for if, and that is a big IF, they would or could manage their own lives, I wouldn't have to spend my time picking up their loose ends. This. is. in. no. way. fair. My sister makes some choices in her life that effect her entire family....and I am so angry with her. I am angry at the pity party she has been having since dad died. Like she is the ONLY one who lost him. Alcohol and substance abuse are very ugly things. I cannot help her, my great state of Michigan won't help me to do that, nor will she. To keep her alive longer then Mom will be a blessing...for mom. I am tired of all of this, dead tired. God forgive me for what I am about to write, but if she were gone, my stress level would be eased.....and I love her, I do, but this isn't about me, so I feel very sorry for what I just wrote, but I'm not going to delete it, because it is how I feel.

Warning: sentence enhancers.........

My old life ended on May 30th. My new life began May 31st. There is a price to pay for living your dream, as there should be, somehow it makes it all worth while. I think sleep deprivation has gotten the best of me, the only other time I've experienced it is when my girls were born. I'm fucking tired, and there is the guilt that goes along with that. My home is a mess, my girls are pissed, my dogs are pissed, my mother doesn't see me enough, and I don't see her enough, the list of chores I want to do for her is a mile long...........damnit. My husband sits on the back burner along with the rest of my family, and I pray they are patient with me. It is 2:00 am, and yesterday was Fathers Day, the third year without dad, or is it the second? I'm angry he is gone, I'm very angry, why is this coming up now? I didn't even want to remember it was fathers day, I'd just as soon it didn't exist anymore. It doesn't for me. He was my fathers day, he was the only reason for fathers day. Fuck. I have read that grief comes in waves....I'm in a big wave right now. I want so terribly to be with him, but not to where I'd do anything I shouldn't. Really, I wouldn't, I just fucking miss him. I want him with me to see his daughter opening a business, I want him to be proud of me. I want his presence in my store, I want his ideas, I want his humor. To me it really sucks that I have to live my life without him, but that is life I guess. I'm not really sure what prompted all of this random writing, but here it is. Here are my feelings tonight. I feel so totally spent, and I just don't care how off the wall I sound. I will go to bed tonight and wake in the morning and go right back at it. If I make the time tomorrow, I'll write more random shit. Right now, I pray I wake with a entire new attitude, cause this one sucks.

Time does fly......

On June 14th, 15 years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful girls. It seems like only yesterday. Time has a way of sneaking by you. Amanda and Angela, I'll love you both till the end of time, and beyond. June 14th, my dear husband turns 54, his mother loves him till the end of time and beyond. I've always thought that birthdays were more for the mom's than the children. June 14th is a beautiful day for me personally. I shall try to make it a wonderful birthday for the three of them. I love them so.

It makes me sad

There are times I feel as if I'm pounding my head against a wall. I extended my hand to you, without judgement. You shut me out. I know what you do in secrecy. I'll love you no matter what, I'll help you no matter what it takes, but I cannot be silent any more. Your life depends on it. One of my primary goals in life is to keep you alive longer than mom, so she doesn't have to suffer the pain of burying a child. I wish you could feel my love for you, I wish you saw hope. I wish for times gone past, when there was less worry. I wish for my youth, our youth. I wish for the day you taught me to ride a bike without those training wheels, you gave me one good shove, and I was off! What has happened? How could you just stop talking to me? Because I mention getting you help, you forsake me? Lori, it is so not fair. I will love you forever.

I know who I am

One thing for sure, when you start a business, you become acutely aware of your value system. You either hold you head high, or hang your head in shame. You become to know yourself very well. I made a promise to God several years ago, if I were ever to go into business, I would be on the up and up. While having dinner with my future partner and her husband last night, the opportunity presented itself to voice my opinion and knowledge on a certain subject. I did not sway, I am proud of that. By standing firm, I may not have made a huge difference in the world, but I made a dent. I am going to continue to stand firm on this, and I know I will prevail. As much agony as this "stand" may cause Chris and I, I feel our business will soar because of it. Doing the right thing isn't always easy, or popular, no one ever said it would be. One thing for sure, my father would be proud. Even though I have made many mistakes in my life, I know right from wrong. I have my mom and dad to thank for my values, in a way, it helps keep him alive.

Without you

Today was a hard day, the waves don't come as often, but when they do they crash. I've lived 818 days without you, and I swear I will always feel this emptiness. I am fulfilling a dream I've been having for years now, and I need you so. I broke down today in the shop, Chris asked what was so heavy on my mind.
Chris, why do you seem so sad today?
Me, I wish my Dad were here to share this with me.
Chris, he is here with you, who do you think brought us together?
Me, It doesn't feel the same as him being here in body.
Chris, I'm sorry you are so sad.

Dad, for the rest of my life I will miss you. I loved you so very, very much. Wow, I haven't cried this much in a long time. What I wouldn't give for one more hug.

I have been tagged..... in a NON-sexual way of course

Seven Things About Me......

Whew, it's hard to write about me, but here it goes.

1. Noise....... noise annoys the shit out of me, boom boxes, T.V. volume turned up past the number 9, no wait, 7, I think these things only bother me when I'm in thought about something, for instance as I write this my husband has opened (ripping noises) (right next to me...which is 10 feet away) 11 pieces of mail, and I'm biting my tongue, can't he do THAT out back in the field? Really though, I enjoy the sound of children's laughter, rock concerts, and musicals, go figure.

2. I have Menieres disease, which explains much of number 1. I have lived with a high pitched ringing in my ears, 24/7 for the past 14 years, so I am very sound sensitive, and sometimes irritable. I have had two surgeries for this, the latter one was brain surgery to sever my right vestibular nerve, I had to learn to walk again because my body had to adjust to having only one vestibular nerve.

3. I am a romantic...yep, a hopeless one at that.

4. I have the ability of using "sentence enhancers" that would make a sailor blush.

5. I loath June bugs, they creep me right out. One flew into my hair the other night, I flew out of my lawn chair and did a dance that would make the natives in the rain forests jealous. Don't those bugs know it's not June yet?

6. I am 47 1/2 years old/young, and I think I'm pretty cool. I have long hair, that I can't imagine changing...yet. My sense of humor isn't for everyone, but I'm finally o.k. with it. I feel comfortable in my own skin, even though it sags some. I'm in full-blown menopause, so at times I feel as though someone else is residing in my body. I have twin daughters from my first marriage, they are kind souls, and absolutely beautiful. My second marriage was to my best friend, and soul mate....I adore him, and he me, he is the love of my life, and I feel blessed beyond words.

7. I'd like to think I'm an optimist. I am the first to point out the good in just about everything.

I've been waiting for your call...

Mom, your phone call I expected last night, but by the time you arrived home, you were dead tired I suppose. I so loved hearing this morning of your little trip to the "Motor City" yesterday. A play, lunch, a mall.....I don't think you took a single breath when you told me all about it! I'm happy you're already looking forward to the next trip. You go mom! You go wherever you desire, spread your wings and fly! I'm feeling the same joy for you, as I'm sure you felt for me as a child, when you watched me hit a softball way out in the field. It felt really good ma, to listen to your voice.

Connection

As I walked into the shop yesterday afternoon, you were standing at the glass case trying on one of my pieces. Chris introduced us to each other. I was humbled you loved the piece so, I was humbled you told me you were drawn to it, I thanked you.
You- Chris tells me there is a story, or an inspiration to each one of your pieces. What inspired you to make this?
Me- Getting a little choked up, I answer, "My Father".
You- Now I understand why you named this, "I'll love you till the end of time". I loved my father deeply too.
Me- True love knows no end. My father was, and always will remain the first man that I loved.
You- My father has been gone now twenty years, and I still feel him around me, I still smell his pipe at times, he smoked Cherry Blend.
Me- So did mine.

This will probably only be understood by me.

You ask me nicely to create several pieces for an upcoming show, I look at you dumbly, and say o.k. Why do I do this to myself? I'll tell you, I could never, ever, get rich doing this. I need to be inspired by the sky, water, wind, LIFE. I'm embarrassed to throw things together, I can barely stand back and see the beauty I create being displayed in your showcase that I spent weeks on, how on earth am I going to be able to stand there on Saturday while we display our things, and if, that's a BIG one, IF someone says to me, "OH, that's just beautiful, you are so talented." I'll want to look them square in the eye and say, " JESUS lady, I just threw that shit together!" Now if there is any integrity in creating the things that I do, I feel as though I'm compromising it. I don't want to compromise anything anymore in my life! Lets back track, YES, there is integrity, I shop for components that are people friendly, I do the best I can to make sure there is no child labor involved. I recycle as much as I can, but the sad thing is, the buyers don't want to hear these things. This is such a "I want it now" world, I want to " look good" no matter the cost. Me personally, I feel a responsibility to this planet and people. I want desperately to let the buyers know they are buying a piece of me, my heart. Each piece I sell goes with a prayer for the owner. I really want to know these things matter to you, but that would be selfish of me to hold you to my standards. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you this would bother me so much. But I'm going to, in a nice way, I'll rehearse it in my mind. I am no better then you, but you know the old saying, "to thine own self be true." It applies here, I think for both of us. We are different, but the same. You create to please others, I create to please me. Now after re-reading what I've written, I did compromise myself, I said yes, when I should have said no, and if we are going to have a future together in this venture, you need to understand, and I need to be honest. Knowing you, you will understand, and chalk it up to "complimenting each other."

RIP Uncle Don

Uncle Don, you contributed greatly to my childhood memories. Your voice was soft and sweet, your hair jet black and shiny, your talents knew no boundaries. Your laughter was contagious, as I caught it every time you laughed. You were daddy's best friend. After dad died, your family couldn't bear to tell you, it would have devastated you, and if dad were here to witness your leaving, it would have devastated him also. Oh to be a fly in heaven and witness dad seeing you, whole again, your illness made him so sad. You were a complete joy to be around. Thank you for sharing your wonderful family with ours.
I felt like a child again today at your funeral, songs were sung that were sung so many years ago, some from the same men that sang them then, only back then, they had a few beers in them! I've always loved you ol' coots.


I'll be seeing you;
In all the old, familiar places;
That this heart of mine embraces;
All day through.
In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The childrens carousel;
The chestnut tree;
The wishing well.
I'll be seeing you;
In every lovely, summers day;
And everything thats bright and gay;
I'll always think of you that way;
I'll find you in the morning sun;
And when the night is new;
I'll be looking at the moon;
But I'll be seeing you.



I'll be seeing you Uncle Don.
xxxxxoooooo

Upon awakening this morning,

there was that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of sadness and disbelief. "Oh yeah" I say to myself, innocent people were slaughtered yesterday. Many moms, dads, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, children, and so on, didn't sleep at all last night. The nation is heavy with grief, I can feel it. May God help us all...again.

One more post...

raising teenage daughters is sort of like a thrill ride. It reminds me of the one at Cedar Point...the Dragster to be exact. Hang on for dear life, close your eyes, inhale and exhale....and it will be over before you know it. Most importantly, you all survive.

It's 12:03 a.m.

My daughter is on the phone with a boy...need I say more? Yep. I'm pissed. I just heard her say, I gotta go, cause my mom said so. Yea, cause mom said so......no better reason then that. Oh.God.help.me. Better yet, God, help that boy that is calling my home ;^)

I have but a moment here...

I was 37 years old when I first was struck by actually knowing, and feeling "someone" gave their one and only Son up for us. It hit me DEAD square between the eyes. I wept for a very long time, I suppose because my girls were only 4 1/2 years old, when this hit me. Could I have given my children up? No, would be my answer, I'm not God. When I actually KNEW that God had done this, and understood the sacrifice, is when it finally dawned on me, after so many, many years, how truly great He is! To me, this is truly the most beautiful season of all. Thank you God, for your gift.

She "happened" to me.

I have been neglecting my blog....lots has been happening, and have found myself just too tired. I decided instead of rambling, I'd jot down some things day by day as they come to me.
On February 9th my husband was reading the business section of our local newspaper and pointed out to me a person who was going to be selling her lampwork beads in a local shop. Where I live in Michigan, you either have to go way south in our state, or way north to find someone who creates art in this medium. He mentioned I should drop in the shop and check it out. The next day I dropped in, we spent much time talking, and we clicked. I dropped in several times after that day, she referred to to me as Mary Poppins, as she would say I would blow in like the wind, and leave the same way. She told me the other day, that it was only a week ago that she found out my name, only because I had left my business card. In the times I stopped into her business, I would spend time with her demonstrating different techniques, brainstorming, and talking of God, and our Dads, but it never occurred to me to leave my name. The first time I visited her, I later found out, was the 3rd year anniversary of her dads death, and it was coming up in a few short days of my 2nd anniversary without my dad. She told me her life changed drastically after she lost her father, and I told her mine did also. I'm not sure for sure what brought her and I together, but I have a pretty good idea. After only 8 weeks of "knowing" her, we can both say we are kindred spirits. We both agree that our paths crossing were meant to happen long before we were born. The only other time I ever felt this way, was when I fell madly in love with my second husband, and that only took a few moments. I feel blessed by God to have met Chris. I believe things happen for a reason, and Chris "happened" to me for a reason, it should be interesting to see what this journey brings. We are talking within the next year of an art gallery, a place to display art, and a place where art is born. It is a wonderful feeling to KNOW when something is right, and not to guess. The feeling is so strong, (for both of us) that to go against it, would be likened to fighting the forces of nature. My husband has noticed this rebirth in me, and he is also very excited. Chris and I share with each other how blessed we are to have such supporting husbands, who want nothing more then to see us fulfilled, and our artistic spirits nourished. Life IS good!

Some apples want to roll away from the tree

By the time you read this blog, I may or may not be here, but hopefully you laugh. I do know at times, or I feel it anyway, that you are embarrassed by my "lack" of feminine qualities. Let me assure you honey, I'm all woman, for God's sake I'm going through menopause....believe me, I know what it feels like to be a woman. I know I talk like a sailor at times, and I'm trying to work on that, but like I told you so very long ago, I'm not perfect. As popeye would say, "I yam what I yam". I want you to know, I love your prissyness, I'm not even sure that is a word, but you know what I mean. You possess qualities, I only dream of, but won't attain, because it's not me. You are a breath of fresh air to me, and you make me laugh. You force me to hold my tongue, when I don't want to. I do learn from you, but right now, you're 14, and you make me crazy!! Sometimes, you downright scare me! I can tell you something, and 5 minutes later, you say I didn't tell you that....are you trying to make me crazy, OR is it that you didn't listen? If you didn't listen, that's what scares me honey. I feed you bits of information every day, as I always have, to keep you safe in this world. Please listen to me, it is so important that you, (as well as your sister), hear my words. I have lived 48 years, and have only been harmed twice, as a woman, I'd say I'm fortunate. When you go off to college, I want you to stay home with your sister and go to the university down the road...please! To be honest with you Ang, I want you and your sister to stop growing up RIGHT NOW, if you could please. I guess I'm kidding, but I don't think I am. Look at this picture I've posted of you, as soft spoken and girly as you are...can you believe you did this in a department store, (you really stepped outside of the box on this one) I love the zany side of you, in fact, I love all of the sides of you. Even though you see you and I as totally different types of people I love and appreciate you for YOU. You are my summertime girl ;)

Some apples stay closer to the tree than others

Amanda, you certainly remind me of myself when I was your age...only I wasn't quite as pretty! I love your free spirit, and your gracious heart! When your 14 year old hormones aren't messing with you, you are something else! If I were your age, and knew you, you would be my friend. You are reliable, honest, and true to yourself. When I think about you in my alone time, I think to myself, "I really don't have to worry too much". I just worry about you getting yourself in a situation you can't handle, only because I've somewhat sheltered you for so long. O.K., I've sheltered you a lot! Because you seem so much like me, life is not always going to be easy for you, you know that, don't you? For a kid your age to know right from wrong...and STAND on it, it's not always easy. You know what I'm talking about, I've tried to prepare you. You seem to be doing fine though, you have so many friends, and they know they can rely on you. Even though you and I bang heads in a big way, I love you so very, very much, and I really LIKE you.

I did a little bit of this, and that today.

I spent two hours in the grocery store today...arrrrggg. One hour unloading, hey, I know it sounds like a long time to unload, but when you have two doggies ALL OVER YOU, it takes a while. First I roasted a pork loin, mmmmmmmmmm, then I made brushetta, (I'm not sure that spelling is correct) to top the bagel crisps, for our snack during our movie tonight. This movie is one of our favorites. Oh, and about the Swiffer, this is my new friend. Swiffer picks up the dog hair from the floors, like nothin I've ever seen. Swif, as I call her, and I, are going to become great friends. Even though she is not mechanical, I'm positively sure, I will be the only one to know how to use her. AND, I finally put up the last piece of copper backsplash in my kitchen....I just love it!

I panicked for a few moments....

As I was driving the girls to school this morning, I was struggling to remember the lyrics to the song.
Something to do with roses, red roses, yes that was it. Why can't I remember?? If I can't remember, then I've lost a piece of you dad! Dammit! What was it?!
By the time I pull into the garage, I've remembered, thank God.

I want some red roses for a blue lady
Mister florist take my order please
We had a silly quarrel the other day
I hope these pretty flowers chase her blues away

I want some red roses for a blue lady
Send them to the sweetest gal in town
And if they do the trick, I'll hurry back to pick
Your best white orchid for her wedding gown

(I want some red roses for a blue lady)

We had a silly quarrel the other day
I hope these pretty flowers chase her blues away

I want some red roses for a blue, blue lady
Send them to the sweetest gal in town
And if they do the trick, I'll hurry back to pick
Your best white orchid for her wedding gown

Your best white orchid for her wedding gown


I don't want to forget anything dad, most of all, I want to remember your voice, it's been two years, and I'm still hanging on. You had a beautiful singing voice. I was so very proud of your singing voice. As a child, I would tell my classmates, "My dad turned down the chance to go to New York to be a famous singer, because he fell in love with my mom". What a beautiful thing to be able to say, I appreciate it for what it means, now.
I remember you lifting me on your lap, and cuddling into that black chair with you. I remember you singing "Red Roses" to me, you made me so happy. I remember you also singing "Baby Face", and I would blush.
I remember when you would come home from work, and sit in that black chair. You would have all five of us line up for fun! We would take our turns stepping up to you for the tickle challenge. You had us raise our chin up, and extend our necks. You would slowly raise your moving fingers in a tickle gesture to our necks. If we would giggle before you touched our necks, we wouldn't get that penny. I don't think you ever lost a penny! You made my life fun. I think what spurs these memories of you, are the girls. I am so sad for them, as you were also. But you know what dad, because they never experienced the love of a father like I did, maybe they don't know what they are missing, I suppose. Of all the wishes in my heart, I wish that every child could have a dad like you. Amanda wrote her father a letter the other day, and it broke my heart. She wants him to be a "normal" dad. Mostly she wants him to give a shit. Give a shit where she is in her life. He has fucked up so bad, by forsaking them, only because he loathes me so. In her letter to her father, she told him that the only father she trusts completely is God, I suppose I should be thankful.
I miss you dad, my good friend. I love you so very much. When I get to Heaven, you're the first one I'm looking up.

What I want my friend to know, but don't want to tell her.

My dearest friend Pam,
These past 5 weeks I have witnessed a woman whom is highly educated, and spiritually rich, torn down to a little girl. I am so very sorry both you and Lauren lost Don. I am afraid for you, because you are afraid. My heart breaks for you, because your heart is broken. I weep for you, because you weep. Since my dad died Pam, I have not wanted to stumble for words to comfort anyone, like those who stumbled for me. There is nothing I can say to erase what happened, or to erase your pain. I can listen though, and I will. I'm having a hard time looking into your eyes, as you are into mine. I know we talk, but really we're saying nothing. But it's when our eyes meet, so much is said, but it hurts too much. I feel so very sorry for you Pam, unbelievably sorry. I wish like a child would wish, that this never would have happened! Pam, when I see you, although you are trying to function in your day, all I see is a grown woman curled into a fetal position. I pray with every fiber of my being, that you feel Gods loving arms around you, I pray you feel Him holding you up, and supporting you. I pray for time...months to fly by, so there will be distance from the accident. I pray this doesn't harden you, or Lauren. I will not forsake you as a friend, I promise. I'm sorry , so sorry, that I'm having a hard time looking into your eyes, I'm trying. I'm just scared, scared that if this could happen to Don, it could happen to my Jim.......reality I guess, I thought we were to young to be widows, guess not.
I love you Pam.

Ha, that's all I needed to do!!

I went and re-read a comment from Velvetsacks, on a previous post I made. I'm going to keep referring back to that comment. Number one...it made me laugh, number two...it shows me light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, and number three, I'm not alone, I think that's the most important one! I do love the voices of experience. Thanks Velvet, you may not know it, but you made a strangers day today! Bless you!

I sure wish someone would explain this to me!

I don't get it!? When I take one of my daughters anywhere.... people comment on what a wonderful person she is. Really she is, but what I don't get, is how totally disrespectful she is to me. Is the age 14 1/2 really suppose to be this awful, for me??? Yeah, I know I signed up for this motherhood thing...but I didn't , or don't remember, signing up for this shit! I cannot believe how hateful she can be to me. I would really hate if something were to happen to me, and her last words to me were , Whatever, or, just get out of here! She would feel awful, and she would have to live with that for the rest of her life.... I think. I share this info with my mom, and she says to me, really, this is funny....I beg to differ with her. I suppose since she has already raised 5 kids, she can afford to laugh at all of this. She does tell me though, she would have never thought of being disrespectful to her parents, and I would have never thought of saying those things to my parents, either. So, is it a generational thing, have I become too loose as a parent? I don't even know where to begin with punishing my daughter for her behavior...or even if I should. Damn all of these so-called-parenting-books, all of the Dr. Phils, all of these people that say my generation are raising kids wrong. My parents, and their parents, just shot-from-the-hip, and did what they felt was right, at the moment, and I turned out o.k. A friend, not to long ago said to me, "teenagers are the way they are, so it won't be so hard to let them go one day".....I'm thinking she is so right. The little voice in my head says to me, "this too shall pass"...God, I hope I'm right.

Drivers license

My daughters start drivers training in 3 weeks. I'm afraid beyond words. In Michigan, you begin at 14yrs. 8 months...what a step back from 15 yrs., some months, when I began( 30 some years ago)!! The cost is $289.00 per child, you could not pay me a thousand dollars to have my child merging on I-75 in three short weeks, so the cost is NOT an issue. Yes, I-75 is that interstate that runs from the top of my state to the tip of Florida. My husband is really pushing for their permit, so they gain some experience......it will be gained with him! I don't have the patience for this. If my daughters would feel comfortable with the word "anal"...they would say I'm being anal about all of this, well I don't care. Oh, my God, being a parent is so full of worries. I always say to them, "It's not that I don't trust you, it's everyone else I don't trust!". I'm sure we'll live through all of this, but it's the toll it takes of my health...(kind of feeling like I'm gasping for breath) . Which reminds me, I should phone my Mom, and thank her, just thank her, for being Mom, and knowing when to let go. But, I don't want to let go........ yet. Amanda & Angela, I love you so much.

Buena vista!

This morning was just beautiful, I love the way the snow just hangs onto everything there is to hang onto. Freshly fallen snow makes Max and Gabbie especially fiesty, I so enjoy watching them! Every season has its beauty, so does every day. I tend to look deeper for it. I think I try to remain an optimist for my kids, because they can be sooo grumbly in the morning.

Passwords & user i.d.s

Lately...especially today, I've been wondering if something were to happen to me, how would my loved ones enter the many, many accounts I have on line? Sometimes I struggle to remember the passwords I used, and which e-mail I registered with. AAAARRRGGG....! What do you people do? That's one thing about getting older, you think about what you're going to leave behind, and what you're not. I think I'll go to bed and think about it ;)

Why?

Hallmark cards say, if you don't experience sadness, you cannot feel real joy. It takes an awful lot, but my faith has come into question...forgive me God for that. I am going to ramble here...only because I can. After losing my father-in-law on Jan. 19, 2007, I thought I would have a rest of some sort. On Feb. 9, 2007, my dear friend and her daughter lost a husband and father in an accident that shouldn't have happened. What the hell? Don leaves behind a wonderful wife, and a beautiful 14 year old daughter. The picture perfect family. I loved him so, never a harsh word against anyone, and he truly enjoyed life. I am angry, and I am filled with sadness for Pam, his wife, and Lauren, his daughter. I'm tired and emotionally drained. Most of all, I am very sad. I want to fix this, but I can't. Dammit. I feel I can't do enough. There are days when I hate it that I care so deeply. Dammit. Maybe I keep too much to myself. I called my husband out of work, to just be with me for a while, before I have to go back to the (dreaded) funeral home. Sometimes life just sucks.