A evening with Mom

It has been about a month or so that I've been able to spend time with Ma...just Ma and me....not ma and I, ma and me. Time seems precious to me since dad died. We spent our evening walking through a family cemetery, where lie many of moms cousins and her grandparents. There was a story told for each one. And I listened closely...never knowing if this might be the last time I hear these stories, I don't know when we'll have a walk like this again. I walked closely behind mom, her step isn't as sure as it used to be. We noticed how some graves were kept up with flowers and such. We would comment on how nice it is that their family does that....I say to ma, "I'm sure glad I was raised the way I was", I will always feel an obligation to take care of the family I have here on earth, and to those who have passed. What went unspoken between the two of us tonight was, I'll be here as long as God allows me to, to take care of her and dads grave someday, and she knows I'll make sure my daughters know that it is an obligation too.

More random writing

My thoughts have been pouring out the past two days, "pent up thoughts" they are. Sleep has been short, and when I do, I think in my sleep. I am angry at some people, for if, and that is a big IF, they would or could manage their own lives, I wouldn't have to spend my time picking up their loose ends. This. is. in. no. way. fair. My sister makes some choices in her life that effect her entire family....and I am so angry with her. I am angry at the pity party she has been having since dad died. Like she is the ONLY one who lost him. Alcohol and substance abuse are very ugly things. I cannot help her, my great state of Michigan won't help me to do that, nor will she. To keep her alive longer then Mom will be a blessing...for mom. I am tired of all of this, dead tired. God forgive me for what I am about to write, but if she were gone, my stress level would be eased.....and I love her, I do, but this isn't about me, so I feel very sorry for what I just wrote, but I'm not going to delete it, because it is how I feel.

Warning: sentence enhancers.........

My old life ended on May 30th. My new life began May 31st. There is a price to pay for living your dream, as there should be, somehow it makes it all worth while. I think sleep deprivation has gotten the best of me, the only other time I've experienced it is when my girls were born. I'm fucking tired, and there is the guilt that goes along with that. My home is a mess, my girls are pissed, my dogs are pissed, my mother doesn't see me enough, and I don't see her enough, the list of chores I want to do for her is a mile long...........damnit. My husband sits on the back burner along with the rest of my family, and I pray they are patient with me. It is 2:00 am, and yesterday was Fathers Day, the third year without dad, or is it the second? I'm angry he is gone, I'm very angry, why is this coming up now? I didn't even want to remember it was fathers day, I'd just as soon it didn't exist anymore. It doesn't for me. He was my fathers day, he was the only reason for fathers day. Fuck. I have read that grief comes in waves....I'm in a big wave right now. I want so terribly to be with him, but not to where I'd do anything I shouldn't. Really, I wouldn't, I just fucking miss him. I want him with me to see his daughter opening a business, I want him to be proud of me. I want his presence in my store, I want his ideas, I want his humor. To me it really sucks that I have to live my life without him, but that is life I guess. I'm not really sure what prompted all of this random writing, but here it is. Here are my feelings tonight. I feel so totally spent, and I just don't care how off the wall I sound. I will go to bed tonight and wake in the morning and go right back at it. If I make the time tomorrow, I'll write more random shit. Right now, I pray I wake with a entire new attitude, cause this one sucks.

Time does fly......

On June 14th, 15 years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful girls. It seems like only yesterday. Time has a way of sneaking by you. Amanda and Angela, I'll love you both till the end of time, and beyond. June 14th, my dear husband turns 54, his mother loves him till the end of time and beyond. I've always thought that birthdays were more for the mom's than the children. June 14th is a beautiful day for me personally. I shall try to make it a wonderful birthday for the three of them. I love them so.

It makes me sad

There are times I feel as if I'm pounding my head against a wall. I extended my hand to you, without judgement. You shut me out. I know what you do in secrecy. I'll love you no matter what, I'll help you no matter what it takes, but I cannot be silent any more. Your life depends on it. One of my primary goals in life is to keep you alive longer than mom, so she doesn't have to suffer the pain of burying a child. I wish you could feel my love for you, I wish you saw hope. I wish for times gone past, when there was less worry. I wish for my youth, our youth. I wish for the day you taught me to ride a bike without those training wheels, you gave me one good shove, and I was off! What has happened? How could you just stop talking to me? Because I mention getting you help, you forsake me? Lori, it is so not fair. I will love you forever.