Some apples want to roll away from the tree

By the time you read this blog, I may or may not be here, but hopefully you laugh. I do know at times, or I feel it anyway, that you are embarrassed by my "lack" of feminine qualities. Let me assure you honey, I'm all woman, for God's sake I'm going through menopause....believe me, I know what it feels like to be a woman. I know I talk like a sailor at times, and I'm trying to work on that, but like I told you so very long ago, I'm not perfect. As popeye would say, "I yam what I yam". I want you to know, I love your prissyness, I'm not even sure that is a word, but you know what I mean. You possess qualities, I only dream of, but won't attain, because it's not me. You are a breath of fresh air to me, and you make me laugh. You force me to hold my tongue, when I don't want to. I do learn from you, but right now, you're 14, and you make me crazy!! Sometimes, you downright scare me! I can tell you something, and 5 minutes later, you say I didn't tell you that....are you trying to make me crazy, OR is it that you didn't listen? If you didn't listen, that's what scares me honey. I feed you bits of information every day, as I always have, to keep you safe in this world. Please listen to me, it is so important that you, (as well as your sister), hear my words. I have lived 48 years, and have only been harmed twice, as a woman, I'd say I'm fortunate. When you go off to college, I want you to stay home with your sister and go to the university down the road...please! To be honest with you Ang, I want you and your sister to stop growing up RIGHT NOW, if you could please. I guess I'm kidding, but I don't think I am. Look at this picture I've posted of you, as soft spoken and girly as you are...can you believe you did this in a department store, (you really stepped outside of the box on this one) I love the zany side of you, in fact, I love all of the sides of you. Even though you see you and I as totally different types of people I love and appreciate you for YOU. You are my summertime girl ;)

Some apples stay closer to the tree than others

Amanda, you certainly remind me of myself when I was your age...only I wasn't quite as pretty! I love your free spirit, and your gracious heart! When your 14 year old hormones aren't messing with you, you are something else! If I were your age, and knew you, you would be my friend. You are reliable, honest, and true to yourself. When I think about you in my alone time, I think to myself, "I really don't have to worry too much". I just worry about you getting yourself in a situation you can't handle, only because I've somewhat sheltered you for so long. O.K., I've sheltered you a lot! Because you seem so much like me, life is not always going to be easy for you, you know that, don't you? For a kid your age to know right from wrong...and STAND on it, it's not always easy. You know what I'm talking about, I've tried to prepare you. You seem to be doing fine though, you have so many friends, and they know they can rely on you. Even though you and I bang heads in a big way, I love you so very, very much, and I really LIKE you.

I did a little bit of this, and that today.

I spent two hours in the grocery store today...arrrrggg. One hour unloading, hey, I know it sounds like a long time to unload, but when you have two doggies ALL OVER YOU, it takes a while. First I roasted a pork loin, mmmmmmmmmm, then I made brushetta, (I'm not sure that spelling is correct) to top the bagel crisps, for our snack during our movie tonight. This movie is one of our favorites. Oh, and about the Swiffer, this is my new friend. Swiffer picks up the dog hair from the floors, like nothin I've ever seen. Swif, as I call her, and I, are going to become great friends. Even though she is not mechanical, I'm positively sure, I will be the only one to know how to use her. AND, I finally put up the last piece of copper backsplash in my kitchen....I just love it!

I panicked for a few moments....

As I was driving the girls to school this morning, I was struggling to remember the lyrics to the song.
Something to do with roses, red roses, yes that was it. Why can't I remember?? If I can't remember, then I've lost a piece of you dad! Dammit! What was it?!
By the time I pull into the garage, I've remembered, thank God.

I want some red roses for a blue lady
Mister florist take my order please
We had a silly quarrel the other day
I hope these pretty flowers chase her blues away

I want some red roses for a blue lady
Send them to the sweetest gal in town
And if they do the trick, I'll hurry back to pick
Your best white orchid for her wedding gown

(I want some red roses for a blue lady)

We had a silly quarrel the other day
I hope these pretty flowers chase her blues away

I want some red roses for a blue, blue lady
Send them to the sweetest gal in town
And if they do the trick, I'll hurry back to pick
Your best white orchid for her wedding gown

Your best white orchid for her wedding gown


I don't want to forget anything dad, most of all, I want to remember your voice, it's been two years, and I'm still hanging on. You had a beautiful singing voice. I was so very proud of your singing voice. As a child, I would tell my classmates, "My dad turned down the chance to go to New York to be a famous singer, because he fell in love with my mom". What a beautiful thing to be able to say, I appreciate it for what it means, now.
I remember you lifting me on your lap, and cuddling into that black chair with you. I remember you singing "Red Roses" to me, you made me so happy. I remember you also singing "Baby Face", and I would blush.
I remember when you would come home from work, and sit in that black chair. You would have all five of us line up for fun! We would take our turns stepping up to you for the tickle challenge. You had us raise our chin up, and extend our necks. You would slowly raise your moving fingers in a tickle gesture to our necks. If we would giggle before you touched our necks, we wouldn't get that penny. I don't think you ever lost a penny! You made my life fun. I think what spurs these memories of you, are the girls. I am so sad for them, as you were also. But you know what dad, because they never experienced the love of a father like I did, maybe they don't know what they are missing, I suppose. Of all the wishes in my heart, I wish that every child could have a dad like you. Amanda wrote her father a letter the other day, and it broke my heart. She wants him to be a "normal" dad. Mostly she wants him to give a shit. Give a shit where she is in her life. He has fucked up so bad, by forsaking them, only because he loathes me so. In her letter to her father, she told him that the only father she trusts completely is God, I suppose I should be thankful.
I miss you dad, my good friend. I love you so very much. When I get to Heaven, you're the first one I'm looking up.

What I want my friend to know, but don't want to tell her.

My dearest friend Pam,
These past 5 weeks I have witnessed a woman whom is highly educated, and spiritually rich, torn down to a little girl. I am so very sorry both you and Lauren lost Don. I am afraid for you, because you are afraid. My heart breaks for you, because your heart is broken. I weep for you, because you weep. Since my dad died Pam, I have not wanted to stumble for words to comfort anyone, like those who stumbled for me. There is nothing I can say to erase what happened, or to erase your pain. I can listen though, and I will. I'm having a hard time looking into your eyes, as you are into mine. I know we talk, but really we're saying nothing. But it's when our eyes meet, so much is said, but it hurts too much. I feel so very sorry for you Pam, unbelievably sorry. I wish like a child would wish, that this never would have happened! Pam, when I see you, although you are trying to function in your day, all I see is a grown woman curled into a fetal position. I pray with every fiber of my being, that you feel Gods loving arms around you, I pray you feel Him holding you up, and supporting you. I pray for time...months to fly by, so there will be distance from the accident. I pray this doesn't harden you, or Lauren. I will not forsake you as a friend, I promise. I'm sorry , so sorry, that I'm having a hard time looking into your eyes, I'm trying. I'm just scared, scared that if this could happen to Don, it could happen to my Jim.......reality I guess, I thought we were to young to be widows, guess not.
I love you Pam.

Ha, that's all I needed to do!!

I went and re-read a comment from Velvetsacks, on a previous post I made. I'm going to keep referring back to that comment. Number one...it made me laugh, number two...it shows me light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, and number three, I'm not alone, I think that's the most important one! I do love the voices of experience. Thanks Velvet, you may not know it, but you made a strangers day today! Bless you!

I sure wish someone would explain this to me!

I don't get it!? When I take one of my daughters anywhere.... people comment on what a wonderful person she is. Really she is, but what I don't get, is how totally disrespectful she is to me. Is the age 14 1/2 really suppose to be this awful, for me??? Yeah, I know I signed up for this motherhood thing...but I didn't , or don't remember, signing up for this shit! I cannot believe how hateful she can be to me. I would really hate if something were to happen to me, and her last words to me were , Whatever, or, just get out of here! She would feel awful, and she would have to live with that for the rest of her life.... I think. I share this info with my mom, and she says to me, really, this is funny....I beg to differ with her. I suppose since she has already raised 5 kids, she can afford to laugh at all of this. She does tell me though, she would have never thought of being disrespectful to her parents, and I would have never thought of saying those things to my parents, either. So, is it a generational thing, have I become too loose as a parent? I don't even know where to begin with punishing my daughter for her behavior...or even if I should. Damn all of these so-called-parenting-books, all of the Dr. Phils, all of these people that say my generation are raising kids wrong. My parents, and their parents, just shot-from-the-hip, and did what they felt was right, at the moment, and I turned out o.k. A friend, not to long ago said to me, "teenagers are the way they are, so it won't be so hard to let them go one day".....I'm thinking she is so right. The little voice in my head says to me, "this too shall pass"...God, I hope I'm right.