Count down

I am methodically counting down the months before the two of you start college. It seems that you really feel that you can leave home, leave the state, and begin a entire new life. Ugh....I pray you're right. I'll miss the two of you in so many ways, but I won't miss the bickering sisters do....How did time pass so quickly? Where did it go? MY.GOD, I love you two so much. My heart is bursting with joy for you, as well as excitement! Could I maybe just follow the two of you around for a while? I'll be quiet I promise. Hey, I'll cook for you! I'll wash your clothes, run your errands, tuck you in at night, and make sure there are no boogie-men under your beds...What's that you say? "no"? I didn't think so. It's o.k., I am going to be alright, I'll carry you right here, right here in my heart. The two of you are going to make a difference in this world, I just know it! And if by chance there are any boogie-men around, I think I've taught you what to do...but just in case, call me, I'll be right there, I'm always right here for you. always and forever

The purest soul I know

At culinery camp last week Sophia went into the bathroom. She is all of 10 years old, and autistic. She was washing her hands when the door opened and a fellow "camper" walked in. It was Brittney.

Brittney: have you seen Kallie?

Sophia: I'm not Kallie, I'm Sophia.

Brittney: OH, you're Sophia Popia?

Sophia: If you're going to talk to me like that, I'm going to cover my ears and leave. (and she did, and she left)

and that's what she told her mother, and that's what her mother told me.

I am proud of her

I am fortunate enough to be able to spend 7 hours with my niece tomorrow, I'm honored.

To be in her presence, is to walk with God, I swear

To be with her, is to see only beauty in this world through her eyes

And to be with her is to witness patience like you've never seen........talk about Job

Note to self....

learn to keep your mouth shut, and remember everything out of your mouth will embarrass the girls.ugh.

Where did time go?

What happens to time when it's gone? I swear it was only yesterday that you were 4 years old. You tell me today you're 17...I'm dumbfounded. If I look in the mirror, I see time has passed. I look at the two of you and still see two little girls, and I know it isn't fair, but I'm your mom, I can see what I choose, I believe it's a God given right. One year from now, you'll be graduating from high school...and you can bet I'm sweating it big time. What am I to do when you both are off to college? Who will need me? I am more afraid then you, I think?
Will you still need me? I have never been more afraid of anything in my life as much as this, this big change coming, I feel it, and as much as I want to fight it, it's gonna happen anyway. I listen to other parents, they talk about where their kid is going to college, they seem so upbeat about it all. I feel like a lost child, am I the only one? I feel like my heart is being ripped out, and the two of you don't even know. I wouldn't burden either one of you with my, well, faults.
If I were to ask God for one thing right now, it would be to slow this next year down, slow it to my pace, a pace where I can process what is happening.
By the way, the two of you looked beautiful today, like the beautiful young ladies you are.
Your Grandpa would be so very proud.

Aunt Vivian called

she's a fiesty one she is. She needed some info from me. I love to talk with her, trouble is, at 78 years old, she's too busy for long talks. Do I know someone who repairs stained glass? well sure I do. I'm fumbling for phone numbers, anything for her. Sandy, do you remember when you were a little girl, you looked out into my backyard, and pointed to a skinny apple tree and said, could I have one of those trees, please? No Aunt Vivian I don't, but I do remember the horses. When we came to your home, I dreamt of being a "cowgirl". I saved my First Holy Communion money to buy myself a pair of ACME boots, tan suede. I put many miles on those boots, strutting up and down my city block.
OK honey, I gotta go, I've got a customer waiting in the barn for me, I love you. I love you too Aunt Vivian.

Acquire the Fire

At the beginning of last week He was wispering to me, their hearts will be filled with the Holy Spirit, I trusted, and He came through. These past months, what felt like an eternity, have been exhausting. Satan is the great lier, and he has been reeking havoc in our home. I'll bet after this past weekend he is really pissed off. (insert smileys here) I admit it was nice to have the girls away this weekend, so Jim and I could reconnect, go out to dinner, watch a few movies, to be a couple again. God rained so much joy down this weekend, I can barely process it all. While Jim and I were having dinner, I received the first of many text messages from my daughters while they were away with their youth group. I was a bit surprised they would even contact me, being that they were at a huge concert and workshop with thousands of other Jesus freaking teens. But they had "good news" to share with mama.
First text..."mom, this morning we had a session for girls about purity, etc. and a speaker had everyone come down who was unpure or wanted to make renewal pledge to god, so I went down cause even though (ex-boyfriends name here) and I never had sex, I feel like he took my purity and I could never have it back, but they blessed us and prayed over us, I knelt before God and bawled my eyes out, I'm pure and I always will be from this day forward until marriage...God worked in me today mom."
How many mom's get a text like that during dinner?! Many text's followed....I won't bore you with the specifics, but they had forgiven me. I had such a peace over me this weekend, normally when they are away from me, I admit I get a bit anxious. God had been wispering to me this past week that He had it all under control, as He always does. I gave my daughters to Him this weekend, body and soul. He being the perfect parent protected them, loved them unconditionally, forgave them and renewed them. I think their mom was renewed also.
Oh, the mystery...I can barely wrap my head around it, but my heart is bursting!

Reading between the lines

First snow day of the year yesterday, and surely not the last. Second born daughter came home after a night away, plopped down at the bar across from me looking weary.

Angie; Mom, how do I really know God is a merciful and forgiving God?
Me to self; what did ya do?
Angie; there is this boy at school in my prayer group that knows he is sinning, but still keeps doing it over and over.
Me to self again; what did ya do?

Now her tears are rolling down her cheeks.

Me to angie; now angie, if I as your earthly parent can forgive you for whatever you do, don't you think that the most perfect parent of all, can, and will forgive you if you ask?

angie; are you sure mom?
me to angie; this all didn't take place thousands of years ago, He is here and now, so you can go back to school and tell this boy that our God is a loving, forgiving God, and keep reminding him of that, ok?
angie; thanks mom
me to angie; do you feel better now?
angie; ya.
me to self; what did you do?

The Shack

I'm reading it, I'm on page 168. I recommend it.
I do love God. I wish to get closer with Him. That's all for now.

I felt I had no choice

Those 48 hours of your begging me to make the pain stop were draining, and as your mom I couldn't make it go away. Why does medicine take so long to work? Why didn't God reach into you and remove your pain? Why is pain even necessary?
The pain of admitting you to a mental health clinic was almost more than I could bare. I had to. I really believed you were going to do it, you had your sis and I scared to death. For a moment, I imagined life without you, and I didn't like it. I'm so sorry you felt abandoned by me, but trust me, my heart was with you. I'm sorry they shamed you by a search, not letting you wear your bra.....I hated them also for that. In fact I hated the entire thing, they thought you were crazy, and I know you're not! You're not crazy, you're in pain. After the long wait of admitting you, all of the redundent paper work and questions, I took a long drive home. I felt as if I just gave you away to total strangers. I thought if you could just stay there long enough to see the Dr.. then I will bring you home. God spoke to me. the way He knows how, through my gut. He told me you didn't belong there, that you belong home with those that love you, and will watch over you, sleep with you if you need. What was a cold white room going to offer you? I couldn't return quick enough to get you. When I arrived to that place, they told me it wasn't visiting hours. What???? I told them I am here to take you home, now. I feel as though I made a huge mistake, I'm sorry for the fear this caused you, so sorry. I will take care of you and protect you. Let us both be patient with the medicine and therapy......we will get through this together, and possibly become stronger. I love you my little girl, and I need you. Please don't hold against me what I felt was the right thing to do.

I love this!

There is nothing like a dog .

Pretty simple

Two words can make a huge difference. They are a start, and why didn't I think of it before?
"I'm sorry" Sometimes we have no idea how much pain someone is in, and we don't understand it, but they are there wading in pain nonetheless.

I had you smiling this morning, I know I did! I spent an hour, a well spent hour, waking you to go to sis's regional meet, I plugged your nose trying to place a candy corn in your mouth. You laughed. My heart sang!! Little things make me smile, little things matter right now. Keep pressing on sis, God is so good.
Thank you to those who have prayed. A customer came into the store and knew (from the way I appear I'm sure) that I am worn, anyway this customer said to me, If I had a million dollars I'd give it to you, to make things better. I thanked that person. But who I really am, thought to myself, a million dollars is nothing, nothing at all. But for those of you whom have offered my concerns up to God, and have actually prayed for our family, YOU have helped make a difference. Prayer is powerful. God is so good.
Thank you Lord for listening to our prayers, my Amanda will be fine. Please continue to help her grow into the young woman that would please you, and praise you. Thank you for showing us light in this dark period. Our God is an awesome God.

They say there are several steps to dealing with death. Whether it is the actual death of someone you love, or the death of a relationship.
You have now moved to anger. In a way, I'm happy to see this, it means you're moving forward. You tell me you hate G*d right now....at least you're still in communication with Him. Your sister and i had a long talk the other night, I told her of my plans, things I didn't want to have to do, but if you procede to scare me with your thoughts of ending your life, I would have no choice. In her wisdom of only 16 years, she looked at me, and told me only God can heal you. I placed my hand on her shoulder and cried. We are praying for you non-stop in this home. God gave you to me to care for, and take care of, I have failed at times, but you have gotten my attention big time.
When you and I talked today, I reminded you that God answers all prayers, it just might be what we don't want to hear. I know this is tough for you, believe me I know. You are worthy of all good in life, you are a beautiful young woman, with a heart of gold. I will not forsake you, nor will God. You can travel the world and no one can give you what our Lord can give you...please keep your heart open.
I'm so blessed to be your mom.

there is no title

Would you please hang on?
I love you more than life itself.
Would you let me help you out of your dark place?
I will draw you into the light.
I've been there, it will and does get better....I promise.
You have so many years ahead of you.
I hear your nails scratching to hang on...please keep clinging.
I need you, we need you, hell, the world needs you.
I have gotten to the point where I placed you at Gods feet.
Something please happen to show her life does go on. That it is worth living.
I miss your smile, I don't remember what it looks like. I remember it warmed my heart.
I want my daughter back, please God.

It only happens once in a lifetime.

Last night while I was resting my head on my husbands lap I said to him, "three years ago was the last time I talked with dad".
He said,"I know".
This morning before he left the house he held me and said,"I'm thinking of your dad today".
I said "thank you".

If we had to line people up in our lives, he knew where dad stood in that line. He understood the best he could, well before we married. He never failed to show me he was o.k. with that.

Three years have not changed the past, he is still gone.
Come 8 pm tonight will mark three calendar years, he just left, just like that. No i love you's, no goodbyes, no see ya's, and no "I forgot to tell ya one more thing". When he left, he left a huge hole in our hearts, a hole I am slowy filling with memories, but a hole nonetheless.
I don't believe the pain goes away, it must be put away, placed somewhere by the survivor in us.

I loved him bigger than the world, to the moon and back thousands of times. My love for him never grew up, it didn't have to. He was the best of the best, the brightest of the stars that shine, he was my sunrise and sunset.
I am thankful this only happens once in a lifetime, you can only lose your dad once, I will never have to feel that pain again. I know that there will be "other pains" in my lifetime..i know, i know.
I really, really miss my dad, and I will never, ever stop.

Hey dad, that breakfast Manda and I had this morning was in memory of you.

Interesting article

I open my home page to read this on MSNBC.

YBOR CITY, Fla. - A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members this past Sunday: Hanky-panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth says the 50 percent divorce rate was the catalyst for The 30-Day Sex Challenge.

I read it to my husband who is horizontal on the couch, he mumbled something to me.

Personally, I think it's a great idea!.......I might be the only one though.

I'm not so sure it's mine anymore

Did you ever have something in your life, that you would bet your life on, was yours? I'm talking, really and truly, bet your living being on it, was yours? What this shows me now, is no matter how old I get, I don't know anything for sure, well I few things I do know for sure, but this one I don't. If you weren't born with it, it ain't yours, (could this be my new cynical motto?)The winds are changing for me, I feel it. I am as afraid as a child. I do not know what to do.

Finally, a real storm.

I remember the snow storm of 67', the city halted. I loved it. We had a close second yesterday thru last night. Blizzard winds howled, the snow seemed endless. I loved it. There is a five foot drift blocking me from leaving the garage. I am stuck home, most people are. I like it this way. My dogs love it! I am going to build a snowman with my daughters today, in fact I'm going to play all day if I choose. I hope the snow plows take their time getting out my way......I'd like to enjoy this removal from the rest of the population as long as possible. Must be the hermit in me.

Peace

Silence.I love it. The girls are away for the better share of the day, Jim is away skiing with his boys until tomorrow. I needed this silence. It is so bitter cold in Michigan today, I am turning on my heating blanket and climbing in bed with my dogs. Yep, just me and my dogs. They are the best. After two years with them, I cannot imagine life without them. I do hope all of you have a restful Sunday.

That is Christmas

For unto us a child is born,
unto us a son is given.

Every time a hand reaches out to help another.....that is Christmas.

Every time someone puts anger aside and strives for understanding.....that is Christmas.

Every time people forget their differences and realize their love for each other.....that is Christmas.

These words are in each and every Christmas card I send. I would like to add to the words that this means 24/7, 365 days a year. But I resist, do some people need to be told this? I am far from perfect, I need to work on these words every day of my life, some days are easier than others.

I love the "feeling" of Christmas, minus the rush. I want to celebrate Christmas, on that day, in peaceful surroundings, which means not going to my Mom's and being surrounded by siblings that are judgemental, and for a few of them, they don't understand true forgiveness. By being there, it adds to the day an ugliness, one that is encouraged by some, and ignored by others. I am afraid of hurting her feelings by not showing up. She would rather I go through the motions, I know. In my family, it has always been more about "show" rather than feelings. With Dad gone, our Elmer's glue, the one who preached and demonstrated forgiveness, I find it almost scary to go there and celebrate Christmas. When Dad was with us, you just knew not to misbehave around him. Now with him gone it's no holds barred. I wish Mom wouldn't ignore it, I wish she had the strength to say knock this shit off! She is tired I know, and that I understand because that's who she is. Even if things are broken, she wants to pretend that all is OK. Only because she is 74, and starting to become forgetful, I say nothing. I am still angry though, mostly angry with myself for not being able to stand, or to take a stand and spend Christmas the way I feel is Holy. I told Mom after Dad died, that I would embrace and forgive each and everyone of them from the bottom of my heart, and I still mean it, I am open, they are not. I am anxious about the facade I have to wear during those 4 hours of Christmas, it does not seem God pleasing to me, or is it?