The Shack

I'm reading it, I'm on page 168. I recommend it.
I do love God. I wish to get closer with Him. That's all for now.

I felt I had no choice

Those 48 hours of your begging me to make the pain stop were draining, and as your mom I couldn't make it go away. Why does medicine take so long to work? Why didn't God reach into you and remove your pain? Why is pain even necessary?
The pain of admitting you to a mental health clinic was almost more than I could bare. I had to. I really believed you were going to do it, you had your sis and I scared to death. For a moment, I imagined life without you, and I didn't like it. I'm so sorry you felt abandoned by me, but trust me, my heart was with you. I'm sorry they shamed you by a search, not letting you wear your bra.....I hated them also for that. In fact I hated the entire thing, they thought you were crazy, and I know you're not! You're not crazy, you're in pain. After the long wait of admitting you, all of the redundent paper work and questions, I took a long drive home. I felt as if I just gave you away to total strangers. I thought if you could just stay there long enough to see the Dr.. then I will bring you home. God spoke to me. the way He knows how, through my gut. He told me you didn't belong there, that you belong home with those that love you, and will watch over you, sleep with you if you need. What was a cold white room going to offer you? I couldn't return quick enough to get you. When I arrived to that place, they told me it wasn't visiting hours. What???? I told them I am here to take you home, now. I feel as though I made a huge mistake, I'm sorry for the fear this caused you, so sorry. I will take care of you and protect you. Let us both be patient with the medicine and therapy......we will get through this together, and possibly become stronger. I love you my little girl, and I need you. Please don't hold against me what I felt was the right thing to do.

I love this!

There is nothing like a dog .

Pretty simple

Two words can make a huge difference. They are a start, and why didn't I think of it before?
"I'm sorry" Sometimes we have no idea how much pain someone is in, and we don't understand it, but they are there wading in pain nonetheless.

I had you smiling this morning, I know I did! I spent an hour, a well spent hour, waking you to go to sis's regional meet, I plugged your nose trying to place a candy corn in your mouth. You laughed. My heart sang!! Little things make me smile, little things matter right now. Keep pressing on sis, God is so good.
Thank you to those who have prayed. A customer came into the store and knew (from the way I appear I'm sure) that I am worn, anyway this customer said to me, If I had a million dollars I'd give it to you, to make things better. I thanked that person. But who I really am, thought to myself, a million dollars is nothing, nothing at all. But for those of you whom have offered my concerns up to God, and have actually prayed for our family, YOU have helped make a difference. Prayer is powerful. God is so good.
Thank you Lord for listening to our prayers, my Amanda will be fine. Please continue to help her grow into the young woman that would please you, and praise you. Thank you for showing us light in this dark period. Our God is an awesome God.

They say there are several steps to dealing with death. Whether it is the actual death of someone you love, or the death of a relationship.
You have now moved to anger. In a way, I'm happy to see this, it means you're moving forward. You tell me you hate G*d right now....at least you're still in communication with Him. Your sister and i had a long talk the other night, I told her of my plans, things I didn't want to have to do, but if you procede to scare me with your thoughts of ending your life, I would have no choice. In her wisdom of only 16 years, she looked at me, and told me only God can heal you. I placed my hand on her shoulder and cried. We are praying for you non-stop in this home. God gave you to me to care for, and take care of, I have failed at times, but you have gotten my attention big time.
When you and I talked today, I reminded you that God answers all prayers, it just might be what we don't want to hear. I know this is tough for you, believe me I know. You are worthy of all good in life, you are a beautiful young woman, with a heart of gold. I will not forsake you, nor will God. You can travel the world and no one can give you what our Lord can give you...please keep your heart open.
I'm so blessed to be your mom.

there is no title

Would you please hang on?
I love you more than life itself.
Would you let me help you out of your dark place?
I will draw you into the light.
I've been there, it will and does get better....I promise.
You have so many years ahead of you.
I hear your nails scratching to hang on...please keep clinging.
I need you, we need you, hell, the world needs you.
I have gotten to the point where I placed you at Gods feet.
Something please happen to show her life does go on. That it is worth living.
I miss your smile, I don't remember what it looks like. I remember it warmed my heart.
I want my daughter back, please God.

It only happens once in a lifetime.

Last night while I was resting my head on my husbands lap I said to him, "three years ago was the last time I talked with dad".
He said,"I know".
This morning before he left the house he held me and said,"I'm thinking of your dad today".
I said "thank you".

If we had to line people up in our lives, he knew where dad stood in that line. He understood the best he could, well before we married. He never failed to show me he was o.k. with that.

Three years have not changed the past, he is still gone.
Come 8 pm tonight will mark three calendar years, he just left, just like that. No i love you's, no goodbyes, no see ya's, and no "I forgot to tell ya one more thing". When he left, he left a huge hole in our hearts, a hole I am slowy filling with memories, but a hole nonetheless.
I don't believe the pain goes away, it must be put away, placed somewhere by the survivor in us.

I loved him bigger than the world, to the moon and back thousands of times. My love for him never grew up, it didn't have to. He was the best of the best, the brightest of the stars that shine, he was my sunrise and sunset.
I am thankful this only happens once in a lifetime, you can only lose your dad once, I will never have to feel that pain again. I know that there will be "other pains" in my lifetime..i know, i know.
I really, really miss my dad, and I will never, ever stop.

Hey dad, that breakfast Manda and I had this morning was in memory of you.

Interesting article

I open my home page to read this on MSNBC.

YBOR CITY, Fla. - A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members this past Sunday: Hanky-panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth says the 50 percent divorce rate was the catalyst for The 30-Day Sex Challenge.

I read it to my husband who is horizontal on the couch, he mumbled something to me.

Personally, I think it's a great idea!.......I might be the only one though.

I'm not so sure it's mine anymore

Did you ever have something in your life, that you would bet your life on, was yours? I'm talking, really and truly, bet your living being on it, was yours? What this shows me now, is no matter how old I get, I don't know anything for sure, well I few things I do know for sure, but this one I don't. If you weren't born with it, it ain't yours, (could this be my new cynical motto?)The winds are changing for me, I feel it. I am as afraid as a child. I do not know what to do.

Finally, a real storm.

I remember the snow storm of 67', the city halted. I loved it. We had a close second yesterday thru last night. Blizzard winds howled, the snow seemed endless. I loved it. There is a five foot drift blocking me from leaving the garage. I am stuck home, most people are. I like it this way. My dogs love it! I am going to build a snowman with my daughters today, in fact I'm going to play all day if I choose. I hope the snow plows take their time getting out my way......I'd like to enjoy this removal from the rest of the population as long as possible. Must be the hermit in me.

Peace

Silence.I love it. The girls are away for the better share of the day, Jim is away skiing with his boys until tomorrow. I needed this silence. It is so bitter cold in Michigan today, I am turning on my heating blanket and climbing in bed with my dogs. Yep, just me and my dogs. They are the best. After two years with them, I cannot imagine life without them. I do hope all of you have a restful Sunday.

That is Christmas

For unto us a child is born,
unto us a son is given.

Every time a hand reaches out to help another.....that is Christmas.

Every time someone puts anger aside and strives for understanding.....that is Christmas.

Every time people forget their differences and realize their love for each other.....that is Christmas.

These words are in each and every Christmas card I send. I would like to add to the words that this means 24/7, 365 days a year. But I resist, do some people need to be told this? I am far from perfect, I need to work on these words every day of my life, some days are easier than others.

I love the "feeling" of Christmas, minus the rush. I want to celebrate Christmas, on that day, in peaceful surroundings, which means not going to my Mom's and being surrounded by siblings that are judgemental, and for a few of them, they don't understand true forgiveness. By being there, it adds to the day an ugliness, one that is encouraged by some, and ignored by others. I am afraid of hurting her feelings by not showing up. She would rather I go through the motions, I know. In my family, it has always been more about "show" rather than feelings. With Dad gone, our Elmer's glue, the one who preached and demonstrated forgiveness, I find it almost scary to go there and celebrate Christmas. When Dad was with us, you just knew not to misbehave around him. Now with him gone it's no holds barred. I wish Mom wouldn't ignore it, I wish she had the strength to say knock this shit off! She is tired I know, and that I understand because that's who she is. Even if things are broken, she wants to pretend that all is OK. Only because she is 74, and starting to become forgetful, I say nothing. I am still angry though, mostly angry with myself for not being able to stand, or to take a stand and spend Christmas the way I feel is Holy. I told Mom after Dad died, that I would embrace and forgive each and everyone of them from the bottom of my heart, and I still mean it, I am open, they are not. I am anxious about the facade I have to wear during those 4 hours of Christmas, it does not seem God pleasing to me, or is it?

I must say...

it has been a long haul since June. If I really think about it, life is a long haul, always. There is death, and there is life. I will recover from this "slump" I seem to be wading in. My brother-in-law passed away recently, and he will be so missed. He had the largest hands of any man I've ever met. They were true "workin hands".
My husband's first son and his wife had their first child, our first grandchild, on Nov. 2. When I looked into Sophia's eyes that evening, I felt as if I fell in love "again". She is perfect in my eyes, because she is. I want to buy her a pony. I want to spoil her. I want her to know me. I want her to reach for me one day, and know she'll find comfort.

Mary looked into

his eyes, and mouthed "I Love You". He took his last breath with that knowledge. It has been a long day. I need to rest.

As I stand still

if feels as though life is flying by me. I'm standing still because I choose to. I choose to stand and watch, unsure of how I feel about things, unsure of what is happening. I know I'll be called to duty soon, no longer will I be able to stand here in my comfort zone. You will need me after your husband, my brother-in-law dies, and another will need me when they turn her heat off this winter because she cannot pay her bill, and another will need me when she cannot remember where my dad put something, and another will call on me when she is at wits end, wondering why my 7 year old autistic niece's teacher isn't meeting her needs. Lately, I wonder how I keep it all together, but I know I must. I do not search for pity, that is below me, but I do search for answers. On the bright side, this morning was especially beautiful and peaceful, changing seasons, both around me, and within me. I ask that God gives me strength.

Garbage truck

I watched the garbage truck go by this morning, and I noticed the "new" paint job on the side of it, it read, "Our landfills provide 17,000 acres of habitat for wildlife."
I had to think about that for a while.

I look at the clock on the computer..

and realize it is still today. I'm happy about that. Today was busy, But the "down times" today were wonderful.
Two good things, number 1, I lay awake in bed this morning, maybe half awake, you know that feeling, drifting in and out. I look at the clock and it is 7:30 am, I look at the clock again, it is 8:30 am. , I close my eyes, it's Sunday, I want to sleep in...........all of a sudden I feel this "drop" on the bed, I feel hot air, I hear Ha,Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, I open one eye, it's all over for me now, she knows I'm awake....I got a face wash like I've never had, and then she snuggled close to me, and she was able to go to sleep, while I lay there wide awake. Life is good.

Number 2, Sunday afternoon....I returned from the store with Amanda, I walked out on the deck to talk to "my Jim", he walks out of the garage and is wearing suspenders, he walks up to me and and slides his thumb under one of the straps and says, "Yea, since I'm gonna be a Grandpa, I might as well start wearing suspenders." ( he is tired of pulling his pants up. ) When I first looked at him, and heard his words to me, I almost fell over laughing. Then I said to Jim, "you look good in those" , and at that moment, along with thinking he looked great,I felt as if we entered into a different phase of our life. We will have our first grandchild soon, Jim's oldest son and his wife are going to have a girl, I am so happy for them. Life is good.

This is pertaining to my brother-in-law

Jim was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on July 21. The cancer has spread to his kidney, liver, adrenal gland and brain. He had 10 days of radiation on his brain in August. The latest scans showed that the radiation had little affect on the tumors in his brain. They will begin chemo next week, (Sept. 10th) with a plan of 3 treatments, 21 days apart. He was feeling well until Tuesday, when he developed a fever and extreme exhaustion. He is ready for the fight, but the family is feeling very overwhelmed right now.

Whom ever reads this, please pray, pray with all you've got...thank you.

This evening my

daughters asked me to sit down and watch this video with them, I was moved, and also elated that they recognize the temptations that are out there.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5