As I stand still

if feels as though life is flying by me. I'm standing still because I choose to. I choose to stand and watch, unsure of how I feel about things, unsure of what is happening. I know I'll be called to duty soon, no longer will I be able to stand here in my comfort zone. You will need me after your husband, my brother-in-law dies, and another will need me when they turn her heat off this winter because she cannot pay her bill, and another will need me when she cannot remember where my dad put something, and another will call on me when she is at wits end, wondering why my 7 year old autistic niece's teacher isn't meeting her needs. Lately, I wonder how I keep it all together, but I know I must. I do not search for pity, that is below me, but I do search for answers. On the bright side, this morning was especially beautiful and peaceful, changing seasons, both around me, and within me. I ask that God gives me strength.

Garbage truck

I watched the garbage truck go by this morning, and I noticed the "new" paint job on the side of it, it read, "Our landfills provide 17,000 acres of habitat for wildlife."
I had to think about that for a while.

I look at the clock on the computer..

and realize it is still today. I'm happy about that. Today was busy, But the "down times" today were wonderful.
Two good things, number 1, I lay awake in bed this morning, maybe half awake, you know that feeling, drifting in and out. I look at the clock and it is 7:30 am, I look at the clock again, it is 8:30 am. , I close my eyes, it's Sunday, I want to sleep in...........all of a sudden I feel this "drop" on the bed, I feel hot air, I hear Ha,Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, I open one eye, it's all over for me now, she knows I'm awake....I got a face wash like I've never had, and then she snuggled close to me, and she was able to go to sleep, while I lay there wide awake. Life is good.

Number 2, Sunday afternoon....I returned from the store with Amanda, I walked out on the deck to talk to "my Jim", he walks out of the garage and is wearing suspenders, he walks up to me and and slides his thumb under one of the straps and says, "Yea, since I'm gonna be a Grandpa, I might as well start wearing suspenders." ( he is tired of pulling his pants up. ) When I first looked at him, and heard his words to me, I almost fell over laughing. Then I said to Jim, "you look good in those" , and at that moment, along with thinking he looked great,I felt as if we entered into a different phase of our life. We will have our first grandchild soon, Jim's oldest son and his wife are going to have a girl, I am so happy for them. Life is good.

This is pertaining to my brother-in-law

Jim was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on July 21. The cancer has spread to his kidney, liver, adrenal gland and brain. He had 10 days of radiation on his brain in August. The latest scans showed that the radiation had little affect on the tumors in his brain. They will begin chemo next week, (Sept. 10th) with a plan of 3 treatments, 21 days apart. He was feeling well until Tuesday, when he developed a fever and extreme exhaustion. He is ready for the fight, but the family is feeling very overwhelmed right now.

Whom ever reads this, please pray, pray with all you've got...thank you.

This evening my

daughters asked me to sit down and watch this video with them, I was moved, and also elated that they recognize the temptations that are out there.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

The toughest job I've

ever had, is raising teenage daughters...enough said. It is certainly not for wusses, so there.

You know you're a redneck if....

you park your pickup truck near a toll road with two recliners in the bed, drinking beer out of a mug watching traffic go by.
You know you're a redneck if the restaurant kitchen is on fire, flames are shooting through the roof, and you tell the patrons you are going to ask the cook if he can STILL cook what you ordered. You're a even bigger redneck when you ask me as I'm evacuating,"Are y'all coming back soon"?........... Sorry, not in my life time.
I left the serenity of a Traverse City vacation for a wedding in Elkhart, Indiana...home of the rednecks. I must say though, Mom and I haven't laughed that hard together, in a long time...if ever, it was good for the soul.

Thanks Louie

I went to my store alone last night, to be creative. I just needed to be alone. A part of me wanted to be there for the fireworks, as I love them so. As I crossed the street to watch the fantastic display over the river, I felt dad. I said to dad, "I'm watching these for you, and I'm enjoying these for you". Nothing could distract me from standing there and taking it all in for dad. It was just he and I, among 200,000 people, it was just he and I. I heard him sing to me when they played this song by Louie, I placed my little feet on dads feet, held his hands, and danced with him slowly while the sky was flashing...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I have so much to say....

but no energy at all. I am like a spent bullet, only better, there is still life in me ;) My business is doing fantastic, for the first week anyway. The downside of owning a business is you have to deal with ALL sorts of people, maybe I'll finally learn patience. My partner is better at socializing with customers, since her personal life is full of socializing because of the status of her family. Me, I'm a behind the scenes kind of girl, I prefer to stay quiet, and I'm comfortable with just listening. But I swear, I must have this sign on my face that says, "please come to me and tell me about your life". Now here's a sentence for you, " I know more about people, that I don't even know, then I care to know". I'm not complaining, really, I find it sort of comical, in a way. I really miss writing my thoughts down, so I end up carrying them for days on end. Life will slow down after summer is over, I'm sure.........or maybe not.

From the bottom of my patriotic heart......

God Bless America!

A evening with Mom

It has been about a month or so that I've been able to spend time with Ma...just Ma and me....not ma and I, ma and me. Time seems precious to me since dad died. We spent our evening walking through a family cemetery, where lie many of moms cousins and her grandparents. There was a story told for each one. And I listened closely...never knowing if this might be the last time I hear these stories, I don't know when we'll have a walk like this again. I walked closely behind mom, her step isn't as sure as it used to be. We noticed how some graves were kept up with flowers and such. We would comment on how nice it is that their family does that....I say to ma, "I'm sure glad I was raised the way I was", I will always feel an obligation to take care of the family I have here on earth, and to those who have passed. What went unspoken between the two of us tonight was, I'll be here as long as God allows me to, to take care of her and dads grave someday, and she knows I'll make sure my daughters know that it is an obligation too.

More random writing

My thoughts have been pouring out the past two days, "pent up thoughts" they are. Sleep has been short, and when I do, I think in my sleep. I am angry at some people, for if, and that is a big IF, they would or could manage their own lives, I wouldn't have to spend my time picking up their loose ends. This. is. in. no. way. fair. My sister makes some choices in her life that effect her entire family....and I am so angry with her. I am angry at the pity party she has been having since dad died. Like she is the ONLY one who lost him. Alcohol and substance abuse are very ugly things. I cannot help her, my great state of Michigan won't help me to do that, nor will she. To keep her alive longer then Mom will be a blessing...for mom. I am tired of all of this, dead tired. God forgive me for what I am about to write, but if she were gone, my stress level would be eased.....and I love her, I do, but this isn't about me, so I feel very sorry for what I just wrote, but I'm not going to delete it, because it is how I feel.

Warning: sentence enhancers.........

My old life ended on May 30th. My new life began May 31st. There is a price to pay for living your dream, as there should be, somehow it makes it all worth while. I think sleep deprivation has gotten the best of me, the only other time I've experienced it is when my girls were born. I'm fucking tired, and there is the guilt that goes along with that. My home is a mess, my girls are pissed, my dogs are pissed, my mother doesn't see me enough, and I don't see her enough, the list of chores I want to do for her is a mile long...........damnit. My husband sits on the back burner along with the rest of my family, and I pray they are patient with me. It is 2:00 am, and yesterday was Fathers Day, the third year without dad, or is it the second? I'm angry he is gone, I'm very angry, why is this coming up now? I didn't even want to remember it was fathers day, I'd just as soon it didn't exist anymore. It doesn't for me. He was my fathers day, he was the only reason for fathers day. Fuck. I have read that grief comes in waves....I'm in a big wave right now. I want so terribly to be with him, but not to where I'd do anything I shouldn't. Really, I wouldn't, I just fucking miss him. I want him with me to see his daughter opening a business, I want him to be proud of me. I want his presence in my store, I want his ideas, I want his humor. To me it really sucks that I have to live my life without him, but that is life I guess. I'm not really sure what prompted all of this random writing, but here it is. Here are my feelings tonight. I feel so totally spent, and I just don't care how off the wall I sound. I will go to bed tonight and wake in the morning and go right back at it. If I make the time tomorrow, I'll write more random shit. Right now, I pray I wake with a entire new attitude, cause this one sucks.

Time does fly......

On June 14th, 15 years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful girls. It seems like only yesterday. Time has a way of sneaking by you. Amanda and Angela, I'll love you both till the end of time, and beyond. June 14th, my dear husband turns 54, his mother loves him till the end of time and beyond. I've always thought that birthdays were more for the mom's than the children. June 14th is a beautiful day for me personally. I shall try to make it a wonderful birthday for the three of them. I love them so.

It makes me sad

There are times I feel as if I'm pounding my head against a wall. I extended my hand to you, without judgement. You shut me out. I know what you do in secrecy. I'll love you no matter what, I'll help you no matter what it takes, but I cannot be silent any more. Your life depends on it. One of my primary goals in life is to keep you alive longer than mom, so she doesn't have to suffer the pain of burying a child. I wish you could feel my love for you, I wish you saw hope. I wish for times gone past, when there was less worry. I wish for my youth, our youth. I wish for the day you taught me to ride a bike without those training wheels, you gave me one good shove, and I was off! What has happened? How could you just stop talking to me? Because I mention getting you help, you forsake me? Lori, it is so not fair. I will love you forever.

I know who I am

One thing for sure, when you start a business, you become acutely aware of your value system. You either hold you head high, or hang your head in shame. You become to know yourself very well. I made a promise to God several years ago, if I were ever to go into business, I would be on the up and up. While having dinner with my future partner and her husband last night, the opportunity presented itself to voice my opinion and knowledge on a certain subject. I did not sway, I am proud of that. By standing firm, I may not have made a huge difference in the world, but I made a dent. I am going to continue to stand firm on this, and I know I will prevail. As much agony as this "stand" may cause Chris and I, I feel our business will soar because of it. Doing the right thing isn't always easy, or popular, no one ever said it would be. One thing for sure, my father would be proud. Even though I have made many mistakes in my life, I know right from wrong. I have my mom and dad to thank for my values, in a way, it helps keep him alive.

Without you

Today was a hard day, the waves don't come as often, but when they do they crash. I've lived 818 days without you, and I swear I will always feel this emptiness. I am fulfilling a dream I've been having for years now, and I need you so. I broke down today in the shop, Chris asked what was so heavy on my mind.
Chris, why do you seem so sad today?
Me, I wish my Dad were here to share this with me.
Chris, he is here with you, who do you think brought us together?
Me, It doesn't feel the same as him being here in body.
Chris, I'm sorry you are so sad.

Dad, for the rest of my life I will miss you. I loved you so very, very much. Wow, I haven't cried this much in a long time. What I wouldn't give for one more hug.

I have been tagged..... in a NON-sexual way of course

Seven Things About Me......

Whew, it's hard to write about me, but here it goes.

1. Noise....... noise annoys the shit out of me, boom boxes, T.V. volume turned up past the number 9, no wait, 7, I think these things only bother me when I'm in thought about something, for instance as I write this my husband has opened (ripping noises) (right next to me...which is 10 feet away) 11 pieces of mail, and I'm biting my tongue, can't he do THAT out back in the field? Really though, I enjoy the sound of children's laughter, rock concerts, and musicals, go figure.

2. I have Menieres disease, which explains much of number 1. I have lived with a high pitched ringing in my ears, 24/7 for the past 14 years, so I am very sound sensitive, and sometimes irritable. I have had two surgeries for this, the latter one was brain surgery to sever my right vestibular nerve, I had to learn to walk again because my body had to adjust to having only one vestibular nerve.

3. I am a romantic...yep, a hopeless one at that.

4. I have the ability of using "sentence enhancers" that would make a sailor blush.

5. I loath June bugs, they creep me right out. One flew into my hair the other night, I flew out of my lawn chair and did a dance that would make the natives in the rain forests jealous. Don't those bugs know it's not June yet?

6. I am 47 1/2 years old/young, and I think I'm pretty cool. I have long hair, that I can't imagine changing...yet. My sense of humor isn't for everyone, but I'm finally o.k. with it. I feel comfortable in my own skin, even though it sags some. I'm in full-blown menopause, so at times I feel as though someone else is residing in my body. I have twin daughters from my first marriage, they are kind souls, and absolutely beautiful. My second marriage was to my best friend, and soul mate....I adore him, and he me, he is the love of my life, and I feel blessed beyond words.

7. I'd like to think I'm an optimist. I am the first to point out the good in just about everything.

I've been waiting for your call...

Mom, your phone call I expected last night, but by the time you arrived home, you were dead tired I suppose. I so loved hearing this morning of your little trip to the "Motor City" yesterday. A play, lunch, a mall.....I don't think you took a single breath when you told me all about it! I'm happy you're already looking forward to the next trip. You go mom! You go wherever you desire, spread your wings and fly! I'm feeling the same joy for you, as I'm sure you felt for me as a child, when you watched me hit a softball way out in the field. It felt really good ma, to listen to your voice.

Connection

As I walked into the shop yesterday afternoon, you were standing at the glass case trying on one of my pieces. Chris introduced us to each other. I was humbled you loved the piece so, I was humbled you told me you were drawn to it, I thanked you.
You- Chris tells me there is a story, or an inspiration to each one of your pieces. What inspired you to make this?
Me- Getting a little choked up, I answer, "My Father".
You- Now I understand why you named this, "I'll love you till the end of time". I loved my father deeply too.
Me- True love knows no end. My father was, and always will remain the first man that I loved.
You- My father has been gone now twenty years, and I still feel him around me, I still smell his pipe at times, he smoked Cherry Blend.
Me- So did mine.