Thanks Louie

I went to my store alone last night, to be creative. I just needed to be alone. A part of me wanted to be there for the fireworks, as I love them so. As I crossed the street to watch the fantastic display over the river, I felt dad. I said to dad, "I'm watching these for you, and I'm enjoying these for you". Nothing could distract me from standing there and taking it all in for dad. It was just he and I, among 200,000 people, it was just he and I. I heard him sing to me when they played this song by Louie, I placed my little feet on dads feet, held his hands, and danced with him slowly while the sky was flashing...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I have so much to say....

but no energy at all. I am like a spent bullet, only better, there is still life in me ;) My business is doing fantastic, for the first week anyway. The downside of owning a business is you have to deal with ALL sorts of people, maybe I'll finally learn patience. My partner is better at socializing with customers, since her personal life is full of socializing because of the status of her family. Me, I'm a behind the scenes kind of girl, I prefer to stay quiet, and I'm comfortable with just listening. But I swear, I must have this sign on my face that says, "please come to me and tell me about your life". Now here's a sentence for you, " I know more about people, that I don't even know, then I care to know". I'm not complaining, really, I find it sort of comical, in a way. I really miss writing my thoughts down, so I end up carrying them for days on end. Life will slow down after summer is over, I'm sure.........or maybe not.

From the bottom of my patriotic heart......

God Bless America!

A evening with Mom

It has been about a month or so that I've been able to spend time with Ma...just Ma and me....not ma and I, ma and me. Time seems precious to me since dad died. We spent our evening walking through a family cemetery, where lie many of moms cousins and her grandparents. There was a story told for each one. And I listened closely...never knowing if this might be the last time I hear these stories, I don't know when we'll have a walk like this again. I walked closely behind mom, her step isn't as sure as it used to be. We noticed how some graves were kept up with flowers and such. We would comment on how nice it is that their family does that....I say to ma, "I'm sure glad I was raised the way I was", I will always feel an obligation to take care of the family I have here on earth, and to those who have passed. What went unspoken between the two of us tonight was, I'll be here as long as God allows me to, to take care of her and dads grave someday, and she knows I'll make sure my daughters know that it is an obligation too.

More random writing

My thoughts have been pouring out the past two days, "pent up thoughts" they are. Sleep has been short, and when I do, I think in my sleep. I am angry at some people, for if, and that is a big IF, they would or could manage their own lives, I wouldn't have to spend my time picking up their loose ends. This. is. in. no. way. fair. My sister makes some choices in her life that effect her entire family....and I am so angry with her. I am angry at the pity party she has been having since dad died. Like she is the ONLY one who lost him. Alcohol and substance abuse are very ugly things. I cannot help her, my great state of Michigan won't help me to do that, nor will she. To keep her alive longer then Mom will be a blessing...for mom. I am tired of all of this, dead tired. God forgive me for what I am about to write, but if she were gone, my stress level would be eased.....and I love her, I do, but this isn't about me, so I feel very sorry for what I just wrote, but I'm not going to delete it, because it is how I feel.

Warning: sentence enhancers.........

My old life ended on May 30th. My new life began May 31st. There is a price to pay for living your dream, as there should be, somehow it makes it all worth while. I think sleep deprivation has gotten the best of me, the only other time I've experienced it is when my girls were born. I'm fucking tired, and there is the guilt that goes along with that. My home is a mess, my girls are pissed, my dogs are pissed, my mother doesn't see me enough, and I don't see her enough, the list of chores I want to do for her is a mile long...........damnit. My husband sits on the back burner along with the rest of my family, and I pray they are patient with me. It is 2:00 am, and yesterday was Fathers Day, the third year without dad, or is it the second? I'm angry he is gone, I'm very angry, why is this coming up now? I didn't even want to remember it was fathers day, I'd just as soon it didn't exist anymore. It doesn't for me. He was my fathers day, he was the only reason for fathers day. Fuck. I have read that grief comes in waves....I'm in a big wave right now. I want so terribly to be with him, but not to where I'd do anything I shouldn't. Really, I wouldn't, I just fucking miss him. I want him with me to see his daughter opening a business, I want him to be proud of me. I want his presence in my store, I want his ideas, I want his humor. To me it really sucks that I have to live my life without him, but that is life I guess. I'm not really sure what prompted all of this random writing, but here it is. Here are my feelings tonight. I feel so totally spent, and I just don't care how off the wall I sound. I will go to bed tonight and wake in the morning and go right back at it. If I make the time tomorrow, I'll write more random shit. Right now, I pray I wake with a entire new attitude, cause this one sucks.

Time does fly......

On June 14th, 15 years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful girls. It seems like only yesterday. Time has a way of sneaking by you. Amanda and Angela, I'll love you both till the end of time, and beyond. June 14th, my dear husband turns 54, his mother loves him till the end of time and beyond. I've always thought that birthdays were more for the mom's than the children. June 14th is a beautiful day for me personally. I shall try to make it a wonderful birthday for the three of them. I love them so.

It makes me sad

There are times I feel as if I'm pounding my head against a wall. I extended my hand to you, without judgement. You shut me out. I know what you do in secrecy. I'll love you no matter what, I'll help you no matter what it takes, but I cannot be silent any more. Your life depends on it. One of my primary goals in life is to keep you alive longer than mom, so she doesn't have to suffer the pain of burying a child. I wish you could feel my love for you, I wish you saw hope. I wish for times gone past, when there was less worry. I wish for my youth, our youth. I wish for the day you taught me to ride a bike without those training wheels, you gave me one good shove, and I was off! What has happened? How could you just stop talking to me? Because I mention getting you help, you forsake me? Lori, it is so not fair. I will love you forever.

I know who I am

One thing for sure, when you start a business, you become acutely aware of your value system. You either hold you head high, or hang your head in shame. You become to know yourself very well. I made a promise to God several years ago, if I were ever to go into business, I would be on the up and up. While having dinner with my future partner and her husband last night, the opportunity presented itself to voice my opinion and knowledge on a certain subject. I did not sway, I am proud of that. By standing firm, I may not have made a huge difference in the world, but I made a dent. I am going to continue to stand firm on this, and I know I will prevail. As much agony as this "stand" may cause Chris and I, I feel our business will soar because of it. Doing the right thing isn't always easy, or popular, no one ever said it would be. One thing for sure, my father would be proud. Even though I have made many mistakes in my life, I know right from wrong. I have my mom and dad to thank for my values, in a way, it helps keep him alive.

Without you

Today was a hard day, the waves don't come as often, but when they do they crash. I've lived 818 days without you, and I swear I will always feel this emptiness. I am fulfilling a dream I've been having for years now, and I need you so. I broke down today in the shop, Chris asked what was so heavy on my mind.
Chris, why do you seem so sad today?
Me, I wish my Dad were here to share this with me.
Chris, he is here with you, who do you think brought us together?
Me, It doesn't feel the same as him being here in body.
Chris, I'm sorry you are so sad.

Dad, for the rest of my life I will miss you. I loved you so very, very much. Wow, I haven't cried this much in a long time. What I wouldn't give for one more hug.

I have been tagged..... in a NON-sexual way of course

Seven Things About Me......

Whew, it's hard to write about me, but here it goes.

1. Noise....... noise annoys the shit out of me, boom boxes, T.V. volume turned up past the number 9, no wait, 7, I think these things only bother me when I'm in thought about something, for instance as I write this my husband has opened (ripping noises) (right next to me...which is 10 feet away) 11 pieces of mail, and I'm biting my tongue, can't he do THAT out back in the field? Really though, I enjoy the sound of children's laughter, rock concerts, and musicals, go figure.

2. I have Menieres disease, which explains much of number 1. I have lived with a high pitched ringing in my ears, 24/7 for the past 14 years, so I am very sound sensitive, and sometimes irritable. I have had two surgeries for this, the latter one was brain surgery to sever my right vestibular nerve, I had to learn to walk again because my body had to adjust to having only one vestibular nerve.

3. I am a romantic...yep, a hopeless one at that.

4. I have the ability of using "sentence enhancers" that would make a sailor blush.

5. I loath June bugs, they creep me right out. One flew into my hair the other night, I flew out of my lawn chair and did a dance that would make the natives in the rain forests jealous. Don't those bugs know it's not June yet?

6. I am 47 1/2 years old/young, and I think I'm pretty cool. I have long hair, that I can't imagine changing...yet. My sense of humor isn't for everyone, but I'm finally o.k. with it. I feel comfortable in my own skin, even though it sags some. I'm in full-blown menopause, so at times I feel as though someone else is residing in my body. I have twin daughters from my first marriage, they are kind souls, and absolutely beautiful. My second marriage was to my best friend, and soul mate....I adore him, and he me, he is the love of my life, and I feel blessed beyond words.

7. I'd like to think I'm an optimist. I am the first to point out the good in just about everything.

I've been waiting for your call...

Mom, your phone call I expected last night, but by the time you arrived home, you were dead tired I suppose. I so loved hearing this morning of your little trip to the "Motor City" yesterday. A play, lunch, a mall.....I don't think you took a single breath when you told me all about it! I'm happy you're already looking forward to the next trip. You go mom! You go wherever you desire, spread your wings and fly! I'm feeling the same joy for you, as I'm sure you felt for me as a child, when you watched me hit a softball way out in the field. It felt really good ma, to listen to your voice.

Connection

As I walked into the shop yesterday afternoon, you were standing at the glass case trying on one of my pieces. Chris introduced us to each other. I was humbled you loved the piece so, I was humbled you told me you were drawn to it, I thanked you.
You- Chris tells me there is a story, or an inspiration to each one of your pieces. What inspired you to make this?
Me- Getting a little choked up, I answer, "My Father".
You- Now I understand why you named this, "I'll love you till the end of time". I loved my father deeply too.
Me- True love knows no end. My father was, and always will remain the first man that I loved.
You- My father has been gone now twenty years, and I still feel him around me, I still smell his pipe at times, he smoked Cherry Blend.
Me- So did mine.

This will probably only be understood by me.

You ask me nicely to create several pieces for an upcoming show, I look at you dumbly, and say o.k. Why do I do this to myself? I'll tell you, I could never, ever, get rich doing this. I need to be inspired by the sky, water, wind, LIFE. I'm embarrassed to throw things together, I can barely stand back and see the beauty I create being displayed in your showcase that I spent weeks on, how on earth am I going to be able to stand there on Saturday while we display our things, and if, that's a BIG one, IF someone says to me, "OH, that's just beautiful, you are so talented." I'll want to look them square in the eye and say, " JESUS lady, I just threw that shit together!" Now if there is any integrity in creating the things that I do, I feel as though I'm compromising it. I don't want to compromise anything anymore in my life! Lets back track, YES, there is integrity, I shop for components that are people friendly, I do the best I can to make sure there is no child labor involved. I recycle as much as I can, but the sad thing is, the buyers don't want to hear these things. This is such a "I want it now" world, I want to " look good" no matter the cost. Me personally, I feel a responsibility to this planet and people. I want desperately to let the buyers know they are buying a piece of me, my heart. Each piece I sell goes with a prayer for the owner. I really want to know these things matter to you, but that would be selfish of me to hold you to my standards. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you this would bother me so much. But I'm going to, in a nice way, I'll rehearse it in my mind. I am no better then you, but you know the old saying, "to thine own self be true." It applies here, I think for both of us. We are different, but the same. You create to please others, I create to please me. Now after re-reading what I've written, I did compromise myself, I said yes, when I should have said no, and if we are going to have a future together in this venture, you need to understand, and I need to be honest. Knowing you, you will understand, and chalk it up to "complimenting each other."

RIP Uncle Don

Uncle Don, you contributed greatly to my childhood memories. Your voice was soft and sweet, your hair jet black and shiny, your talents knew no boundaries. Your laughter was contagious, as I caught it every time you laughed. You were daddy's best friend. After dad died, your family couldn't bear to tell you, it would have devastated you, and if dad were here to witness your leaving, it would have devastated him also. Oh to be a fly in heaven and witness dad seeing you, whole again, your illness made him so sad. You were a complete joy to be around. Thank you for sharing your wonderful family with ours.
I felt like a child again today at your funeral, songs were sung that were sung so many years ago, some from the same men that sang them then, only back then, they had a few beers in them! I've always loved you ol' coots.


I'll be seeing you;
In all the old, familiar places;
That this heart of mine embraces;
All day through.
In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The childrens carousel;
The chestnut tree;
The wishing well.
I'll be seeing you;
In every lovely, summers day;
And everything thats bright and gay;
I'll always think of you that way;
I'll find you in the morning sun;
And when the night is new;
I'll be looking at the moon;
But I'll be seeing you.



I'll be seeing you Uncle Don.
xxxxxoooooo

Upon awakening this morning,

there was that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of sadness and disbelief. "Oh yeah" I say to myself, innocent people were slaughtered yesterday. Many moms, dads, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, children, and so on, didn't sleep at all last night. The nation is heavy with grief, I can feel it. May God help us all...again.

One more post...

raising teenage daughters is sort of like a thrill ride. It reminds me of the one at Cedar Point...the Dragster to be exact. Hang on for dear life, close your eyes, inhale and exhale....and it will be over before you know it. Most importantly, you all survive.

It's 12:03 a.m.

My daughter is on the phone with a boy...need I say more? Yep. I'm pissed. I just heard her say, I gotta go, cause my mom said so. Yea, cause mom said so......no better reason then that. Oh.God.help.me. Better yet, God, help that boy that is calling my home ;^)

I have but a moment here...

I was 37 years old when I first was struck by actually knowing, and feeling "someone" gave their one and only Son up for us. It hit me DEAD square between the eyes. I wept for a very long time, I suppose because my girls were only 4 1/2 years old, when this hit me. Could I have given my children up? No, would be my answer, I'm not God. When I actually KNEW that God had done this, and understood the sacrifice, is when it finally dawned on me, after so many, many years, how truly great He is! To me, this is truly the most beautiful season of all. Thank you God, for your gift.

She "happened" to me.

I have been neglecting my blog....lots has been happening, and have found myself just too tired. I decided instead of rambling, I'd jot down some things day by day as they come to me.
On February 9th my husband was reading the business section of our local newspaper and pointed out to me a person who was going to be selling her lampwork beads in a local shop. Where I live in Michigan, you either have to go way south in our state, or way north to find someone who creates art in this medium. He mentioned I should drop in the shop and check it out. The next day I dropped in, we spent much time talking, and we clicked. I dropped in several times after that day, she referred to to me as Mary Poppins, as she would say I would blow in like the wind, and leave the same way. She told me the other day, that it was only a week ago that she found out my name, only because I had left my business card. In the times I stopped into her business, I would spend time with her demonstrating different techniques, brainstorming, and talking of God, and our Dads, but it never occurred to me to leave my name. The first time I visited her, I later found out, was the 3rd year anniversary of her dads death, and it was coming up in a few short days of my 2nd anniversary without my dad. She told me her life changed drastically after she lost her father, and I told her mine did also. I'm not sure for sure what brought her and I together, but I have a pretty good idea. After only 8 weeks of "knowing" her, we can both say we are kindred spirits. We both agree that our paths crossing were meant to happen long before we were born. The only other time I ever felt this way, was when I fell madly in love with my second husband, and that only took a few moments. I feel blessed by God to have met Chris. I believe things happen for a reason, and Chris "happened" to me for a reason, it should be interesting to see what this journey brings. We are talking within the next year of an art gallery, a place to display art, and a place where art is born. It is a wonderful feeling to KNOW when something is right, and not to guess. The feeling is so strong, (for both of us) that to go against it, would be likened to fighting the forces of nature. My husband has noticed this rebirth in me, and he is also very excited. Chris and I share with each other how blessed we are to have such supporting husbands, who want nothing more then to see us fulfilled, and our artistic spirits nourished. Life IS good!