Maypoles-of-life

Count down

2009-09-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am methodically counting down the months before the two of you start college. It seems that you really feel that you can leave home, leave the state, and begin a entire new life. Ugh....I pray you're right. I'll miss the two of you in so many ways, but I won't miss the bickering sisters do....How did time pass so quickly? Where did it go? MY.GOD, I love you two so much. My heart is bursting with joy for you, as well as excitement! Could I maybe just follow the two of you around for a while? I'll be quiet I promise. Hey, I'll cook for you! I'll wash your clothes, run your errands, tuck you in at night, and make sure there are no boogie-men under your beds...What's that you say? "no"? I didn't think so. It's o.k., I am going to be alright, I'll carry you right here, right here in my heart. The two of you are going to make a difference in this world, I just know it! And if by chance there are any boogie-men around, I think I've taught you what to do...but just in case, call me, I'll be right there, I'm always right here for you. always and forever

The purest soul I know

2009-06-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

At culinery camp last week Sophia went into the bathroom. She is all of 10 years old, and autistic. She was washing her hands when the door opened and a fellow "camper" walked in. It was Brittney.

Brittney: have you seen Kallie?

Sophia: I'm not Kallie, I'm Sophia.

Brittney: OH, you're Sophia Popia?

Sophia: If you're going to talk to me like that, I'm going to cover my ears and leave. (and she did, and she left)

and that's what she told her mother, and that's what her mother told me.

I am proud of her

I am fortunate enough to be able to spend 7 hours with my niece tomorrow, I'm honored.

To be in her presence, is to walk with God, I swear

To be with her, is to see only beauty in this world through her eyes

And to be with her is to witness patience like you've never seen........talk about Job

Note to self....

2009-06-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

learn to keep your mouth shut, and remember everything out of your mouth will embarrass the girls.ugh.

Where did time go?

2009-06-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

What happens to time when it's gone? I swear it was only yesterday that you were 4 years old. You tell me today you're 17...I'm dumbfounded. If I look in the mirror, I see time has passed. I look at the two of you and still see two little girls, and I know it isn't fair, but I'm your mom, I can see what I choose, I believe it's a God given right. One year from now, you'll be graduating from high school...and you can bet I'm sweating it big time. What am I to do when you both are off to college? Who will need me? I am more afraid then you, I think?
Will you still need me? I have never been more afraid of anything in my life as much as this, this big change coming, I feel it, and as much as I want to fight it, it's gonna happen anyway. I listen to other parents, they talk about where their kid is going to college, they seem so upbeat about it all. I feel like a lost child, am I the only one? I feel like my heart is being ripped out, and the two of you don't even know. I wouldn't burden either one of you with my, well, faults.
If I were to ask God for one thing right now, it would be to slow this next year down, slow it to my pace, a pace where I can process what is happening.
By the way, the two of you looked beautiful today, like the beautiful young ladies you are.
Your Grandpa would be so very proud.

Aunt Vivian called

2009-03-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

she's a fiesty one she is. She needed some info from me. I love to talk with her, trouble is, at 78 years old, she's too busy for long talks. Do I know someone who repairs stained glass? well sure I do. I'm fumbling for phone numbers, anything for her. Sandy, do you remember when you were a little girl, you looked out into my backyard, and pointed to a skinny apple tree and said, could I have one of those trees, please? No Aunt Vivian I don't, but I do remember the horses. When we came to your home, I dreamt of being a "cowgirl". I saved my First Holy Communion money to buy myself a pair of ACME boots, tan suede. I put many miles on those boots, strutting up and down my city block.
OK honey, I gotta go, I've got a customer waiting in the barn for me, I love you. I love you too Aunt Vivian.

Acquire the Fire

2009-02-16T06:59:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of last week He was wispering to me, their hearts will be filled with the Holy Spirit, I trusted, and He came through. These past months, what felt like an eternity, have been exhausting. Satan is the great lier, and he has been reeking havoc in our home. I'll bet after this past weekend he is really pissed off. (insert smileys here) I admit it was nice to have the girls away this weekend, so Jim and I could reconnect, go out to dinner, watch a few movies, to be a couple again. God rained so much joy down this weekend, I can barely process it all. While Jim and I were having dinner, I received the first of many text messages from my daughters while they were away with their youth group. I was a bit surprised they would even contact me, being that they were at a huge concert and workshop with thousands of other Jesus freaking teens. But they had "good news" to share with mama.
First text..."mom, this morning we had a session for girls about purity, etc. and a speaker had everyone come down who was unpure or wanted to make renewal pledge to god, so I went down cause even though (ex-boyfriends name here) and I never had sex, I feel like he took my purity and I could never have it back, but they blessed us and prayed over us, I knelt before God and bawled my eyes out, I'm pure and I always will be from this day forward until marriage...God worked in me today mom."
How many mom's get a text like that during dinner?! Many text's followed....I won't bore you with the specifics, but they had forgiven me. I had such a peace over me this weekend, normally when they are away from me, I admit I get a bit anxious. God had been wispering to me this past week that He had it all under control, as He always does. I gave my daughters to Him this weekend, body and soul. He being the perfect parent protected them, loved them unconditionally, forgave them and renewed them. I think their mom was renewed also.
Oh, the mystery...I can barely wrap my head around it, but my heart is bursting!

Reading between the lines

2008-12-02T04:19:00.000-08:00

First snow day of the year yesterday, and surely not the last. Second born daughter came home after a night away, plopped down at the bar across from me looking weary.

Angie; Mom, how do I really know God is a merciful and forgiving God?
Me to self; what did ya do?
Angie; there is this boy at school in my prayer group that knows he is sinning, but still keeps doing it over and over.
Me to self again; what did ya do?

Now her tears are rolling down her cheeks.

Me to angie; now angie, if I as your earthly parent can forgive you for whatever you do, don't you think that the most perfect parent of all, can, and will forgive you if you ask?

angie; are you sure mom?
me to angie; this all didn't take place thousands of years ago, He is here and now, so you can go back to school and tell this boy that our God is a loving, forgiving God, and keep reminding him of that, ok?
angie; thanks mom
me to angie; do you feel better now?
angie; ya.
me to self; what did you do?

The Shack

2008-11-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

I'm reading it, I'm on page 168. I recommend it.
I do love God. I wish to get closer with Him. That's all for now.

I felt I had no choice

2008-11-08T04:55:00.000-08:00

Those 48 hours of your begging me to make the pain stop were draining, and as your mom I couldn't make it go away. Why does medicine take so long to work? Why didn't God reach into you and remove your pain? Why is pain even necessary?
The pain of admitting you to a mental health clinic was almost more than I could bare. I had to. I really believed you were going to do it, you had your sis and I scared to death. For a moment, I imagined life without you, and I didn't like it. I'm so sorry you felt abandoned by me, but trust me, my heart was with you. I'm sorry they shamed you by a search, not letting you wear your bra.....I hated them also for that. In fact I hated the entire thing, they thought you were crazy, and I know you're not! You're not crazy, you're in pain. After the long wait of admitting you, all of the redundent paper work and questions, I took a long drive home. I felt as if I just gave you away to total strangers. I thought if you could just stay there long enough to see the Dr.. then I will bring you home. God spoke to me. the way He knows how, through my gut. He told me you didn't belong there, that you belong home with those that love you, and will watch over you, sleep with you if you need. What was a cold white room going to offer you? I couldn't return quick enough to get you. When I arrived to that place, they told me it wasn't visiting hours. What???? I told them I am here to take you home, now. I feel as though I made a huge mistake, I'm sorry for the fear this caused you, so sorry. I will take care of you and protect you. Let us both be patient with the medicine and therapy......we will get through this together, and possibly become stronger. I love you my little girl, and I need you. Please don't hold against me what I felt was the right thing to do.

I love this!

2008-11-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like a dog .

Pretty simple

2008-11-05T16:26:00.000-08:00

Two words can make a huge difference. They are a start, and why didn't I think of it before?
"I'm sorry" Sometimes we have no idea how much pain someone is in, and we don't understand it, but they are there wading in pain nonetheless.

2008-10-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

I had you smiling this morning, I know I did! I spent an hour, a well spent hour, waking you to go to sis's regional meet, I plugged your nose trying to place a candy corn in your mouth. You laughed. My heart sang!! Little things make me smile, little things matter right now. Keep pressing on sis, God is so good.
Thank you to those who have prayed. A customer came into the store and knew (from the way I appear I'm sure) that I am worn, anyway this customer said to me, If I had a million dollars I'd give it to you, to make things better. I thanked that person. But who I really am, thought to myself, a million dollars is nothing, nothing at all. But for those of you whom have offered my concerns up to God, and have actually prayed for our family, YOU have helped make a difference. Prayer is powerful. God is so good.
Thank you Lord for listening to our prayers, my Amanda will be fine. Please continue to help her grow into the young woman that would please you, and praise you. Thank you for showing us light in this dark period. Our God is an awesome God.

2008-10-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

They say there are several steps to dealing with death. Whether it is the actual death of someone you love, or the death of a relationship.
You have now moved to anger. In a way, I'm happy to see this, it means you're moving forward. You tell me you hate G*d right now....at least you're still in communication with Him. Your sister and i had a long talk the other night, I told her of my plans, things I didn't want to have to do, but if you procede to scare me with your thoughts of ending your life, I would have no choice. In her wisdom of only 16 years, she looked at me, and told me only God can heal you. I placed my hand on her shoulder and cried. We are praying for you non-stop in this home. God gave you to me to care for, and take care of, I have failed at times, but you have gotten my attention big time.
When you and I talked today, I reminded you that God answers all prayers, it just might be what we don't want to hear. I know this is tough for you, believe me I know. You are worthy of all good in life, you are a beautiful young woman, with a heart of gold. I will not forsake you, nor will God. You can travel the world and no one can give you what our Lord can give you...please keep your heart open.
I'm so blessed to be your mom.

there is no title

2008-10-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

Would you please hang on?
I love you more than life itself.
Would you let me help you out of your dark place?
I will draw you into the light.
I've been there, it will and does get better....I promise.
You have so many years ahead of you.
I hear your nails scratching to hang on...please keep clinging.
I need you, we need you, hell, the world needs you.
I have gotten to the point where I placed you at Gods feet.
Something please happen to show her life does go on. That it is worth living.
I miss your smile, I don't remember what it looks like. I remember it warmed my heart.
I want my daughter back, please God.

It only happens once in a lifetime.

2008-02-20T06:45:00.000-08:00

Last night while I was resting my head on my husbands lap I said to him, "three years ago was the last time I talked with dad".
He said,"I know".
This morning before he left the house he held me and said,"I'm thinking of your dad today".
I said "thank you".

If we had to line people up in our lives, he knew where dad stood in that line. He understood the best he could, well before we married. He never failed to show me he was o.k. with that.

Three years have not changed the past, he is still gone.
Come 8 pm tonight will mark three calendar years, he just left, just like that. No i love you's, no goodbyes, no see ya's, and no "I forgot to tell ya one more thing". When he left, he left a huge hole in our hearts, a hole I am slowy filling with memories, but a hole nonetheless.
I don't believe the pain goes away, it must be put away, placed somewhere by the survivor in us.

I loved him bigger than the world, to the moon and back thousands of times. My love for him never grew up, it didn't have to. He was the best of the best, the brightest of the stars that shine, he was my sunrise and sunset.
I am thankful this only happens once in a lifetime, you can only lose your dad once, I will never have to feel that pain again. I know that there will be "other pains" in my lifetime..i know, i know.
I really, really miss my dad, and I will never, ever stop.

Hey dad, that breakfast Manda and I had this morning was in memory of you.

Interesting article

2008-02-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

I open my home page to read this on MSNBC.

YBOR CITY, Fla. - A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members this past Sunday: Hanky-panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth says the 50 percent divorce rate was the catalyst for The 30-Day Sex Challenge.

I read it to my husband who is horizontal on the couch, he mumbled something to me.

Personally, I think it's a great idea!.......I might be the only one though.

I'm not so sure it's mine anymore

2008-02-08T14:10:00.000-08:00

Did you ever have something in your life, that you would bet your life on, was yours? I'm talking, really and truly, bet your living being on it, was yours? What this shows me now, is no matter how old I get, I don't know anything for sure, well I few things I do know for sure, but this one I don't. If you weren't born with it, it ain't yours, (could this be my new cynical motto?)The winds are changing for me, I feel it. I am as afraid as a child. I do not know what to do.

Finally, a real storm.

2008-02-07T05:47:00.000-08:00

I remember the snow storm of 67', the city halted. I loved it. We had a close second yesterday thru last night. Blizzard winds howled, the snow seemed endless. I loved it. There is a five foot drift blocking me from leaving the garage. I am stuck home, most people are. I like it this way. My dogs love it! I am going to build a snowman with my daughters today, in fact I'm going to play all day if I choose. I hope the snow plows take their time getting out my way......I'd like to enjoy this removal from the rest of the population as long as possible. Must be the hermit in me.

Peace

2008-01-20T10:27:00.000-08:00

Silence.I love it. The girls are away for the better share of the day, Jim is away skiing with his boys until tomorrow. I needed this silence. It is so bitter cold in Michigan today, I am turning on my heating blanket and climbing in bed with my dogs. Yep, just me and my dogs. They are the best. After two years with them, I cannot imagine life without them. I do hope all of you have a restful Sunday.

That is Christmas

2007-12-08T05:41:00.000-08:00

For unto us a child is born,
unto us a son is given.

Every time a hand reaches out to help another.....that is Christmas.

Every time someone puts anger aside and strives for understanding.....that is Christmas.

Every time people forget their differences and realize their love for each other.....that is Christmas.

These words are in each and every Christmas card I send. I would like to add to the words that this means 24/7, 365 days a year. But I resist, do some people need to be told this? I am far from perfect, I need to work on these words every day of my life, some days are easier than others.

I love the "feeling" of Christmas, minus the rush. I want to celebrate Christmas, on that day, in peaceful surroundings, which means not going to my Mom's and being surrounded by siblings that are judgemental, and for a few of them, they don't understand true forgiveness. By being there, it adds to the day an ugliness, one that is encouraged by some, and ignored by others. I am afraid of hurting her feelings by not showing up. She would rather I go through the motions, I know. In my family, it has always been more about "show" rather than feelings. With Dad gone, our Elmer's glue, the one who preached and demonstrated forgiveness, I find it almost scary to go there and celebrate Christmas. When Dad was with us, you just knew not to misbehave around him. Now with him gone it's no holds barred. I wish Mom wouldn't ignore it, I wish she had the strength to say knock this shit off! She is tired I know, and that I understand because that's who she is. Even if things are broken, she wants to pretend that all is OK. Only because she is 74, and starting to become forgetful, I say nothing. I am still angry though, mostly angry with myself for not being able to stand, or to take a stand and spend Christmas the way I feel is Holy. I told Mom after Dad died, that I would embrace and forgive each and everyone of them from the bottom of my heart, and I still mean it, I am open, they are not. I am anxious about the facade I have to wear during those 4 hours of Christmas, it does not seem God pleasing to me, or is it?

I must say...

2007-11-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

it has been a long haul since June. If I really think about it, life is a long haul, always. There is death, and there is life. I will recover from this "slump" I seem to be wading in. My brother-in-law passed away recently, and he will be so missed. He had the largest hands of any man I've ever met. They were true "workin hands".
My husband's first son and his wife had their first child, our first grandchild, on Nov. 2. When I looked into Sophia's eyes that evening, I felt as if I fell in love "again". She is perfect in my eyes, because she is. I want to buy her a pony. I want to spoil her. I want her to know me. I want her to reach for me one day, and know she'll find comfort.

Mary looked into

2007-10-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

his eyes, and mouthed "I Love You". He took his last breath with that knowledge. It has been a long day. I need to rest.

As I stand still

2007-10-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

if feels as though life is flying by me. I'm standing still because I choose to. I choose to stand and watch, unsure of how I feel about things, unsure of what is happening. I know I'll be called to duty soon, no longer will I be able to stand here in my comfort zone. You will need me after your husband, my brother-in-law dies, and another will need me when they turn her heat off this winter because she cannot pay her bill, and another will need me when she cannot remember where my dad put something, and another will call on me when she is at wits end, wondering why my 7 year old autistic niece's teacher isn't meeting her needs. Lately, I wonder how I keep it all together, but I know I must. I do not search for pity, that is below me, but I do search for answers. On the bright side, this morning was especially beautiful and peaceful, changing seasons, both around me, and within me. I ask that God gives me strength.

Garbage truck

2007-09-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

I watched the garbage truck go by this morning, and I noticed the "new" paint job on the side of it, it read, "Our landfills provide 17,000 acres of habitat for wildlife."
I had to think about that for a while.

I look at the clock on the computer..

2007-09-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

and realize it is still today. I'm happy about that. Today was busy, But the "down times" today were wonderful.
Two good things, number 1, I lay awake in bed this morning, maybe half awake, you know that feeling, drifting in and out. I look at the clock and it is 7:30 am, I look at the clock again, it is 8:30 am. , I close my eyes, it's Sunday, I want to sleep in...........all of a sudden I feel this "drop" on the bed, I feel hot air, I hear Ha,Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, I open one eye, it's all over for me now, she knows I'm awake....I got a face wash like I've never had, and then she snuggled close to me, and she was able to go to sleep, while I lay there wide awake. Life is good.

Number 2, Sunday afternoon....I returned from the store with Amanda, I walked out on the deck to talk to "my Jim", he walks out of the garage and is wearing suspenders, he walks up to me and and slides his thumb under one of the straps and says, "Yea, since I'm gonna be a Grandpa, I might as well start wearing suspenders." ( he is tired of pulling his pants up. ) When I first looked at him, and heard his words to me, I almost fell over laughing. Then I said to Jim, "you look good in those" , and at that moment, along with thinking he looked great,I felt as if we entered into a different phase of our life. We will have our first grandchild soon, Jim's oldest son and his wife are going to have a girl, I am so happy for them. Life is good.

This is pertaining to my brother-in-law

2007-09-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

Jim was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on July 21. The cancer has spread to his kidney, liver, adrenal gland and brain. He had 10 days of radiation on his brain in August. The latest scans showed that the radiation had little affect on the tumors in his brain. They will begin chemo next week, (Sept. 10th) with a plan of 3 treatments, 21 days apart. He was feeling well until Tuesday, when he developed a fever and extreme exhaustion. He is ready for the fight, but the family is feeling very overwhelmed right now.

Whom ever reads this, please pray, pray with all you've got...thank you.

This evening my

2007-08-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

daughters asked me to sit down and watch this video with them, I was moved, and also elated that they recognize the temptations that are out there.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

The toughest job I've

2007-08-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

ever had, is raising teenage daughters...enough said. It is certainly not for wusses, so there.

You know you're a redneck if....

2007-08-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

you park your pickup truck near a toll road with two recliners in the bed, drinking beer out of a mug watching traffic go by.
You know you're a redneck if the restaurant kitchen is on fire, flames are shooting through the roof, and you tell the patrons you are going to ask the cook if he can STILL cook what you ordered. You're a even bigger redneck when you ask me as I'm evacuating,"Are y'all coming back soon"?........... Sorry, not in my life time.
I left the serenity of a Traverse City vacation for a wedding in Elkhart, Indiana...home of the rednecks. I must say though, Mom and I haven't laughed that hard together, in a long time...if ever, it was good for the soul.

Thanks Louie

2007-07-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

I went to my store alone last night, to be creative. I just needed to be alone. A part of me wanted to be there for the fireworks, as I love them so. As I crossed the street to watch the fantastic display over the river, I felt dad. I said to dad, "I'm watching these for you, and I'm enjoying these for you". Nothing could distract me from standing there and taking it all in for dad. It was just he and I, among 200,000 people, it was just he and I. I heard him sing to me when they played this song by Louie, I placed my little feet on dads feet, held his hands, and danced with him slowly while the sky was flashing...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I have so much to say....

2007-07-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

but no energy at all. I am like a spent bullet, only better, there is still life in me ;) My business is doing fantastic, for the first week anyway. The downside of owning a business is you have to deal with ALL sorts of people, maybe I'll finally learn patience. My partner is better at socializing with customers, since her personal life is full of socializing because of the status of her family. Me, I'm a behind the scenes kind of girl, I prefer to stay quiet, and I'm comfortable with just listening. But I swear, I must have this sign on my face that says, "please come to me and tell me about your life". Now here's a sentence for you, " I know more about people, that I don't even know, then I care to know". I'm not complaining, really, I find it sort of comical, in a way. I really miss writing my thoughts down, so I end up carrying them for days on end. Life will slow down after summer is over, I'm sure.........or maybe not.

From the bottom of my patriotic heart......

2007-07-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

God Bless America!

A evening with Mom

2007-06-29T18:23:00.000-07:00

It has been about a month or so that I've been able to spend time with Ma...just Ma and me....not ma and I, ma and me. Time seems precious to me since dad died. We spent our evening walking through a family cemetery, where lie many of moms cousins and her grandparents. There was a story told for each one. And I listened closely...never knowing if this might be the last time I hear these stories, I don't know when we'll have a walk like this again. I walked closely behind mom, her step isn't as sure as it used to be. We noticed how some graves were kept up with flowers and such. We would comment on how nice it is that their family does that....I say to ma, "I'm sure glad I was raised the way I was", I will always feel an obligation to take care of the family I have here on earth, and to those who have passed. What went unspoken between the two of us tonight was, I'll be here as long as God allows me to, to take care of her and dads grave someday, and she knows I'll make sure my daughters know that it is an obligation too.

More random writing

2007-06-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have been pouring out the past two days, "pent up thoughts" they are. Sleep has been short, and when I do, I think in my sleep. I am angry at some people, for if, and that is a big IF, they would or could manage their own lives, I wouldn't have to spend my time picking up their loose ends. This. is. in. no. way. fair. My sister makes some choices in her life that effect her entire family....and I am so angry with her. I am angry at the pity party she has been having since dad died. Like she is the ONLY one who lost him. Alcohol and substance abuse are very ugly things. I cannot help her, my great state of Michigan won't help me to do that, nor will she. To keep her alive longer then Mom will be a blessing...for mom. I am tired of all of this, dead tired. God forgive me for what I am about to write, but if she were gone, my stress level would be eased.....and I love her, I do, but this isn't about me, so I feel very sorry for what I just wrote, but I'm not going to delete it, because it is how I feel.

Warning: sentence enhancers.........

2007-06-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

My old life ended on May 30th. My new life began May 31st. There is a price to pay for living your dream, as there should be, somehow it makes it all worth while. I think sleep deprivation has gotten the best of me, the only other time I've experienced it is when my girls were born. I'm fucking tired, and there is the guilt that goes along with that. My home is a mess, my girls are pissed, my dogs are pissed, my mother doesn't see me enough, and I don't see her enough, the list of chores I want to do for her is a mile long...........damnit. My husband sits on the back burner along with the rest of my family, and I pray they are patient with me. It is 2:00 am, and yesterday was Fathers Day, the third year without dad, or is it the second? I'm angry he is gone, I'm very angry, why is this coming up now? I didn't even want to remember it was fathers day, I'd just as soon it didn't exist anymore. It doesn't for me. He was my fathers day, he was the only reason for fathers day. Fuck. I have read that grief comes in waves....I'm in a big wave right now. I want so terribly to be with him, but not to where I'd do anything I shouldn't. Really, I wouldn't, I just fucking miss him. I want him with me to see his daughter opening a business, I want him to be proud of me. I want his presence in my store, I want his ideas, I want his humor. To me it really sucks that I have to live my life without him, but that is life I guess. I'm not really sure what prompted all of this random writing, but here it is. Here are my feelings tonight. I feel so totally spent, and I just don't care how off the wall I sound. I will go to bed tonight and wake in the morning and go right back at it. If I make the time tomorrow, I'll write more random shit. Right now, I pray I wake with a entire new attitude, cause this one sucks.

Time does fly......

2007-06-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

On June 14th, 15 years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful girls. It seems like only yesterday. Time has a way of sneaking by you. Amanda and Angela, I'll love you both till the end of time, and beyond. June 14th, my dear husband turns 54, his mother loves him till the end of time and beyond. I've always thought that birthdays were more for the mom's than the children. June 14th is a beautiful day for me personally. I shall try to make it a wonderful birthday for the three of them. I love them so.

It makes me sad

2007-06-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

There are times I feel as if I'm pounding my head against a wall. I extended my hand to you, without judgement. You shut me out. I know what you do in secrecy. I'll love you no matter what, I'll help you no matter what it takes, but I cannot be silent any more. Your life depends on it. One of my primary goals in life is to keep you alive longer than mom, so she doesn't have to suffer the pain of burying a child. I wish you could feel my love for you, I wish you saw hope. I wish for times gone past, when there was less worry. I wish for my youth, our youth. I wish for the day you taught me to ride a bike without those training wheels, you gave me one good shove, and I was off! What has happened? How could you just stop talking to me? Because I mention getting you help, you forsake me? Lori, it is so not fair. I will love you forever.

I know who I am

2007-05-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

One thing for sure, when you start a business, you become acutely aware of your value system. You either hold you head high, or hang your head in shame. You become to know yourself very well. I made a promise to God several years ago, if I were ever to go into business, I would be on the up and up. While having dinner with my future partner and her husband last night, the opportunity presented itself to voice my opinion and knowledge on a certain subject. I did not sway, I am proud of that. By standing firm, I may not have made a huge difference in the world, but I made a dent. I am going to continue to stand firm on this, and I know I will prevail. As much agony as this "stand" may cause Chris and I, I feel our business will soar because of it. Doing the right thing isn't always easy, or popular, no one ever said it would be. One thing for sure, my father would be proud. Even though I have made many mistakes in my life, I know right from wrong. I have my mom and dad to thank for my values, in a way, it helps keep him alive.

Without you

2007-05-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a hard day, the waves don't come as often, but when they do they crash. I've lived 818 days without you, and I swear I will always feel this emptiness. I am fulfilling a dream I've been having for years now, and I need you so. I broke down today in the shop, Chris asked what was so heavy on my mind.
Chris, why do you seem so sad today?
Me, I wish my Dad were here to share this with me.
Chris, he is here with you, who do you think brought us together?
Me, It doesn't feel the same as him being here in body.
Chris, I'm sorry you are so sad.

Dad, for the rest of my life I will miss you. I loved you so very, very much. Wow, I haven't cried this much in a long time. What I wouldn't give for one more hug.

I have been tagged..... in a NON-sexual way of course

2007-05-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

Seven Things About Me......

Whew, it's hard to write about me, but here it goes.

1. Noise....... noise annoys the shit out of me, boom boxes, T.V. volume turned up past the number 9, no wait, 7, I think these things only bother me when I'm in thought about something, for instance as I write this my husband has opened (ripping noises) (right next to me...which is 10 feet away) 11 pieces of mail, and I'm biting my tongue, can't he do THAT out back in the field? Really though, I enjoy the sound of children's laughter, rock concerts, and musicals, go figure.

2. I have Menieres disease, which explains much of number 1. I have lived with a high pitched ringing in my ears, 24/7 for the past 14 years, so I am very sound sensitive, and sometimes irritable. I have had two surgeries for this, the latter one was brain surgery to sever my right vestibular nerve, I had to learn to walk again because my body had to adjust to having only one vestibular nerve.

3. I am a romantic...yep, a hopeless one at that.

4. I have the ability of using "sentence enhancers" that would make a sailor blush.

5. I loath June bugs, they creep me right out. One flew into my hair the other night, I flew out of my lawn chair and did a dance that would make the natives in the rain forests jealous. Don't those bugs know it's not June yet?

6. I am 47 1/2 years old/young, and I think I'm pretty cool. I have long hair, that I can't imagine changing...yet. My sense of humor isn't for everyone, but I'm finally o.k. with it. I feel comfortable in my own skin, even though it sags some. I'm in full-blown menopause, so at times I feel as though someone else is residing in my body. I have twin daughters from my first marriage, they are kind souls, and absolutely beautiful. My second marriage was to my best friend, and soul mate....I adore him, and he me, he is the love of my life, and I feel blessed beyond words.

7. I'd like to think I'm an optimist. I am the first to point out the good in just about everything.

I've been waiting for your call...

2007-05-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

Mom, your phone call I expected last night, but by the time you arrived home, you were dead tired I suppose. I so loved hearing this morning of your little trip to the "Motor City" yesterday. A play, lunch, a mall.....I don't think you took a single breath when you told me all about it! I'm happy you're already looking forward to the next trip. You go mom! You go wherever you desire, spread your wings and fly! I'm feeling the same joy for you, as I'm sure you felt for me as a child, when you watched me hit a softball way out in the field. It felt really good ma, to listen to your voice.

Connection

2007-05-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

As I walked into the shop yesterday afternoon, you were standing at the glass case trying on one of my pieces. Chris introduced us to each other. I was humbled you loved the piece so, I was humbled you told me you were drawn to it, I thanked you.
You- Chris tells me there is a story, or an inspiration to each one of your pieces. What inspired you to make this?
Me- Getting a little choked up, I answer, "My Father".
You- Now I understand why you named this, "I'll love you till the end of time". I loved my father deeply too.
Me- True love knows no end. My father was, and always will remain the first man that I loved.
You- My father has been gone now twenty years, and I still feel him around me, I still smell his pipe at times, he smoked Cherry Blend.
Me- So did mine.

This will probably only be understood by me.

2007-04-24T04:26:00.000-07:00

You ask me nicely to create several pieces for an upcoming show, I look at you dumbly, and say o.k. Why do I do this to myself? I'll tell you, I could never, ever, get rich doing this. I need to be inspired by the sky, water, wind, LIFE. I'm embarrassed to throw things together, I can barely stand back and see the beauty I create being displayed in your showcase that I spent weeks on, how on earth am I going to be able to stand there on Saturday while we display our things, and if, that's a BIG one, IF someone says to me, "OH, that's just beautiful, you are so talented." I'll want to look them square in the eye and say, " JESUS lady, I just threw that shit together!" Now if there is any integrity in creating the things that I do, I feel as though I'm compromising it. I don't want to compromise anything anymore in my life! Lets back track, YES, there is integrity, I shop for components that are people friendly, I do the best I can to make sure there is no child labor involved. I recycle as much as I can, but the sad thing is, the buyers don't want to hear these things. This is such a "I want it now" world, I want to " look good" no matter the cost. Me personally, I feel a responsibility to this planet and people. I want desperately to let the buyers know they are buying a piece of me, my heart. Each piece I sell goes with a prayer for the owner. I really want to know these things matter to you, but that would be selfish of me to hold you to my standards. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you this would bother me so much. But I'm going to, in a nice way, I'll rehearse it in my mind. I am no better then you, but you know the old saying, "to thine own self be true." It applies here, I think for both of us. We are different, but the same. You create to please others, I create to please me. Now after re-reading what I've written, I did compromise myself, I said yes, when I should have said no, and if we are going to have a future together in this venture, you need to understand, and I need to be honest. Knowing you, you will understand, and chalk it up to "complimenting each other."

RIP Uncle Don

2007-04-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

Uncle Don, you contributed greatly to my childhood memories. Your voice was soft and sweet, your hair jet black and shiny, your talents knew no boundaries. Your laughter was contagious, as I caught it every time you laughed. You were daddy's best friend. After dad died, your family couldn't bear to tell you, it would have devastated you, and if dad were here to witness your leaving, it would have devastated him also. Oh to be a fly in heaven and witness dad seeing you, whole again, your illness made him so sad. You were a complete joy to be around. Thank you for sharing your wonderful family with ours.
I felt like a child again today at your funeral, songs were sung that were sung so many years ago, some from the same men that sang them then, only back then, they had a few beers in them! I've always loved you ol' coots.

I'll be seeing you;
In all the old, familiar places;
That this heart of mine embraces;
All day through.
In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The childrens carousel;
The chestnut tree;
The wishing well.
I'll be seeing you;
In every lovely, summers day;
And everything thats bright and gay;
I'll always think of you that way;
I'll find you in the morning sun;
And when the night is new;
I'll be looking at the moon;
But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you Uncle Don.
xxxxxoooooo

Upon awakening this morning,

2007-04-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

there was that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of sadness and disbelief. "Oh yeah" I say to myself, innocent people were slaughtered yesterday. Many moms, dads, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, children, and so on, didn't sleep at all last night. The nation is heavy with grief, I can feel it. May God help us all...again.

One more post...

2007-04-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

raising teenage daughters is sort of like a thrill ride. It reminds me of the one at Cedar Point...the Dragster to be exact. Hang on for dear life, close your eyes, inhale and exhale....and it will be over before you know it. Most importantly, you all survive.

It's 12:03 a.m.

2007-04-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

My daughter is on the phone with a boy...need I say more? Yep. I'm pissed. I just heard her say, I gotta go, cause my mom said so. Yea, cause mom said so......no better reason then that. Oh.God.help.me. Better yet, God, help that boy that is calling my home ;^)

I have but a moment here...

2007-04-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

I was 37 years old when I first was struck by actually knowing, and feeling "someone" gave their one and only Son up for us. It hit me DEAD square between the eyes. I wept for a very long time, I suppose because my girls were only 4 1/2 years old, when this hit me. Could I have given my children up? No, would be my answer, I'm not God. When I actually KNEW that God had done this, and understood the sacrifice, is when it finally dawned on me, after so many, many years, how truly great He is! To me, this is truly the most beautiful season of all. Thank you God, for your gift.

She "happened" to me.

2007-04-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have been neglecting my blog....lots has been happening, and have found myself just too tired. I decided instead of rambling, I'd jot down some things day by day as they come to me.
On February 9th my husband was reading the business section of our local newspaper and pointed out to me a person who was going to be selling her lampwork beads in a local shop. Where I live in Michigan, you either have to go way south in our state, or way north to find someone who creates art in this medium. He mentioned I should drop in the shop and check it out. The next day I dropped in, we spent much time talking, and we clicked. I dropped in several times after that day, she referred to to me as Mary Poppins, as she would say I would blow in like the wind, and leave the same way. She told me the other day, that it was only a week ago that she found out my name, only because I had left my business card. In the times I stopped into her business, I would spend time with her demonstrating different techniques, brainstorming, and talking of God, and our Dads, but it never occurred to me to leave my name. The first time I visited her, I later found out, was the 3rd year anniversary of her dads death, and it was coming up in a few short days of my 2nd anniversary without my dad. She told me her life changed drastically after she lost her father, and I told her mine did also. I'm not sure for sure what brought her and I together, but I have a pretty good idea. After only 8 weeks of "knowing" her, we can both say we are kindred spirits. We both agree that our paths crossing were meant to happen long before we were born. The only other time I ever felt this way, was when I fell madly in love with my second husband, and that only took a few moments. I feel blessed by God to have met Chris. I believe things happen for a reason, and Chris "happened" to me for a reason, it should be interesting to see what this journey brings. We are talking within the next year of an art gallery, a place to display art, and a place where art is born. It is a wonderful feeling to KNOW when something is right, and not to guess. The feeling is so strong, (for both of us) that to go against it, would be likened to fighting the forces of nature. My husband has noticed this rebirth in me, and he is also very excited. Chris and I share with each other how blessed we are to have such supporting husbands, who want nothing more then to see us fulfilled, and our artistic spirits nourished. Life IS good!

Some apples want to roll away from the tree

2007-03-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

By the time you read this blog, I may or may not be here, but hopefully you laugh. I do know at times, or I feel it anyway, that you are embarrassed by my "lack" of feminine qualities. Let me assure you honey, I'm all woman, for God's sake I'm going through menopause....believe me, I know what it feels like to be a woman. I know I talk like a sailor at times, and I'm trying to work on that, but like I told you so very long ago, I'm not perfect. As popeye would say, "I yam what I yam". I want you to know, I love your prissyness, I'm not even sure that is a word, but you know what I mean. You possess qualities, I only dream of, but won't attain, because it's not me. You are a breath of fresh air to me, and you make me laugh. You force me to hold my tongue, when I don't want to. I do learn from you, but right now, you're 14, and you make me crazy!! Sometimes, you downright scare me! I can tell you something, and 5 minutes later, you say I didn't tell you that....are you trying to make me crazy, OR is it that you didn't listen? If you didn't listen, that's what scares me honey. I feed you bits of information every day, as I always have, to keep you safe in this world. Please listen to me, it is so important that you, (as well as your sister), hear my words. I have lived 48 years, and have only been harmed twice, as a woman, I'd say I'm fortunate. When you go off to college, I want you to stay home with your sister and go to the university down the road...please! To be honest with you Ang, I want you and your sister to stop growing up RIGHT NOW, if you could please. I guess I'm kidding, but I don't think I am. Look at this picture I've posted of you, as soft spoken and girly as you are...can you believe you did this in a department store, (you really stepped outside of the box on this one) I love the zany side of you, in fact, I love all of the sides of you. Even though you see you and I as totally different types of people I love and appreciate you for YOU. You are my summertime girl ;)

Some apples stay closer to the tree than others

2007-03-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

Amanda, you certainly remind me of myself when I was your age...only I wasn't quite as pretty! I love your free spirit, and your gracious heart! When your 14 year old hormones aren't messing with you, you are something else! If I were your age, and knew you, you would be my friend. You are reliable, honest, and true to yourself. When I think about you in my alone time, I think to myself, "I really don't have to worry too much". I just worry about you getting yourself in a situation you can't handle, only because I've somewhat sheltered you for so long. O.K., I've sheltered you a lot! Because you seem so much like me, life is not always going to be easy for you, you know that, don't you? For a kid your age to know right from wrong...and STAND on it, it's not always easy. You know what I'm talking about, I've tried to prepare you. You seem to be doing fine though, you have so many friends, and they know they can rely on you. Even though you and I bang heads in a big way, I love you so very, very much, and I really LIKE you.

I did a little bit of this, and that today.

2007-03-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

I spent two hours in the grocery store today...arrrrggg. One hour unloading, hey, I know it sounds like a long time to unload, but when you have two doggies ALL OVER YOU, it takes a while. First I roasted a pork loin, mmmmmmmmmm, then I made brushetta, (I'm not sure that spelling is correct) to top the bagel crisps, for our snack during our movie tonight. This movie is one of our favorites. Oh, and about the Swiffer, this is my new friend. Swiffer picks up the dog hair from the floors, like nothin I've ever seen. Swif, as I call her, and I, are going to become great friends. Even though she is not mechanical, I'm positively sure, I will be the only one to know how to use her. AND, I finally put up the last piece of copper backsplash in my kitchen....I just love it!

I panicked for a few moments....

2007-03-16T05:37:00.001-07:00

As I was driving the girls to school this morning, I was struggling to remember the lyrics to the song.
Something to do with roses, red roses, yes that was it. Why can't I remember?? If I can't remember, then I've lost a piece of you dad! Dammit! What was it?!
By the time I pull into the garage, I've remembered, thank God.

I want some red roses for a blue lady
Mister florist take my order please
We had a silly quarrel the other day
I hope these pretty flowers chase her blues away

I want some red roses for a blue lady
Send them to the sweetest gal in town
And if they do the trick, I'll hurry back to pick
Your best white orchid for her wedding gown

(I want some red roses for a blue lady)

We had a silly quarrel the other day
I hope these pretty flowers chase her blues away

I want some red roses for a blue, blue lady
Send them to the sweetest gal in town
And if they do the trick, I'll hurry back to pick
Your best white orchid for her wedding gown

Your best white orchid for her wedding gown

I don't want to forget anything dad, most of all, I want to remember your voice, it's been two years, and I'm still hanging on. You had a beautiful singing voice. I was so very proud of your singing voice. As a child, I would tell my classmates, "My dad turned down the chance to go to New York to be a famous singer, because he fell in love with my mom". What a beautiful thing to be able to say, I appreciate it for what it means, now.
I remember you lifting me on your lap, and cuddling into that black chair with you. I remember you singing "Red Roses" to me, you made me so happy. I remember you also singing "Baby Face", and I would blush.
I remember when you would come home from work, and sit in that black chair. You would have all five of us line up for fun! We would take our turns stepping up to you for the tickle challenge. You had us raise our chin up, and extend our necks. You would slowly raise your moving fingers in a tickle gesture to our necks. If we would giggle before you touched our necks, we wouldn't get that penny. I don't think you ever lost a penny! You made my life fun. I think what spurs these memories of you, are the girls. I am so sad for them, as you were also. But you know what dad, because they never experienced the love of a father like I did, maybe they don't know what they are missing, I suppose. Of all the wishes in my heart, I wish that every child could have a dad like you. Amanda wrote her father a letter the other day, and it broke my heart. She wants him to be a "normal" dad. Mostly she wants him to give a shit. Give a shit where she is in her life. He has fucked up so bad, by forsaking them, only because he loathes me so. In her letter to her father, she told him that the only father she trusts completely is God, I suppose I should be thankful.
I miss you dad, my good friend. I love you so very much. When I get to Heaven, you're the first one I'm looking up.

What I want my friend to know, but don't want to tell her.

2007-03-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

My dearest friend Pam,
These past 5 weeks I have witnessed a woman whom is highly educated, and spiritually rich, torn down to a little girl. I am so very sorry both you and Lauren lost Don. I am afraid for you, because you are afraid. My heart breaks for you, because your heart is broken. I weep for you, because you weep. Since my dad died Pam, I have not wanted to stumble for words to comfort anyone, like those who stumbled for me. There is nothing I can say to erase what happened, or to erase your pain. I can listen though, and I will. I'm having a hard time looking into your eyes, as you are into mine. I know we talk, but really we're saying nothing. But it's when our eyes meet, so much is said, but it hurts too much. I feel so very sorry for you Pam, unbelievably sorry. I wish like a child would wish, that this never would have happened! Pam, when I see you, although you are trying to function in your day, all I see is a grown woman curled into a fetal position. I pray with every fiber of my being, that you feel Gods loving arms around you, I pray you feel Him holding you up, and supporting you. I pray for time...months to fly by, so there will be distance from the accident. I pray this doesn't harden you, or Lauren. I will not forsake you as a friend, I promise. I'm sorry , so sorry, that I'm having a hard time looking into your eyes, I'm trying. I'm just scared, scared that if this could happen to Don, it could happen to my Jim.......reality I guess, I thought we were to young to be widows, guess not.
I love you Pam.

Ha, that's all I needed to do!!

2007-03-05T07:31:00.000-08:00

I went and re-read a comment from Velvetsacks, on a previous post I made. I'm going to keep referring back to that comment. Number one...it made me laugh, number two...it shows me light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, and number three, I'm not alone, I think that's the most important one! I do love the voices of experience. Thanks Velvet, you may not know it, but you made a strangers day today! Bless you!

I sure wish someone would explain this to me!

2007-03-05T07:09:00.000-08:00

I don't get it!? When I take one of my daughters anywhere.... people comment on what a wonderful person she is. Really she is, but what I don't get, is how totally disrespectful she is to me. Is the age 14 1/2 really suppose to be this awful, for me??? Yeah, I know I signed up for this motherhood thing...but I didn't , or don't remember, signing up for this shit! I cannot believe how hateful she can be to me. I would really hate if something were to happen to me, and her last words to me were , Whatever, or, just get out of here! She would feel awful, and she would have to live with that for the rest of her life.... I think. I share this info with my mom, and she says to me, really, this is funny....I beg to differ with her. I suppose since she has already raised 5 kids, she can afford to laugh at all of this. She does tell me though, she would have never thought of being disrespectful to her parents, and I would have never thought of saying those things to my parents, either. So, is it a generational thing, have I become too loose as a parent? I don't even know where to begin with punishing my daughter for her behavior...or even if I should. Damn all of these so-called-parenting-books, all of the Dr. Phils, all of these people that say my generation are raising kids wrong. My parents, and their parents, just shot-from-the-hip, and did what they felt was right, at the moment, and I turned out o.k. A friend, not to long ago said to me, "teenagers are the way they are, so it won't be so hard to let them go one day".....I'm thinking she is so right. The little voice in my head says to me, "this too shall pass"...God, I hope I'm right.

Drivers license

2007-02-28T06:51:00.000-08:00

My daughters start drivers training in 3 weeks. I'm afraid beyond words. In Michigan, you begin at 14yrs. 8 months...what a step back from 15 yrs., some months, when I began( 30 some years ago)!! The cost is $289.00 per child, you could not pay me a thousand dollars to have my child merging on I-75 in three short weeks, so the cost is NOT an issue. Yes, I-75 is that interstate that runs from the top of my state to the tip of Florida. My husband is really pushing for their permit, so they gain some experience......it will be gained with him! I don't have the patience for this. If my daughters would feel comfortable with the word "anal"...they would say I'm being anal about all of this, well I don't care. Oh, my God, being a parent is so full of worries. I always say to them, "It's not that I don't trust you, it's everyone else I don't trust!". I'm sure we'll live through all of this, but it's the toll it takes of my health...(kind of feeling like I'm gasping for breath) . Which reminds me, I should phone my Mom, and thank her, just thank her, for being Mom, and knowing when to let go. But, I don't want to let go........ yet. Amanda & Angela, I love you so much.

Buena vista!

2007-02-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

This morning was just beautiful, I love the way the snow just hangs onto everything there is to hang onto. Freshly fallen snow makes Max and Gabbie especially fiesty, I so enjoy watching them! Every season has its beauty, so does every day. I tend to look deeper for it. I think I try to remain an optimist for my kids, because they can be sooo grumbly in the morning.

Passwords & user i.d.s

2007-02-26T17:25:00.000-08:00

Lately...especially today, I've been wondering if something were to happen to me, how would my loved ones enter the many, many accounts I have on line? Sometimes I struggle to remember the passwords I used, and which e-mail I registered with. AAAARRRGGG....! What do you people do? That's one thing about getting older, you think about what you're going to leave behind, and what you're not. I think I'll go to bed and think about it ;)

Why?

2007-02-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

Hallmark cards say, if you don't experience sadness, you cannot feel real joy. It takes an awful lot, but my faith has come into question...forgive me God for that. I am going to ramble here...only because I can. After losing my father-in-law on Jan. 19, 2007, I thought I would have a rest of some sort. On Feb. 9, 2007, my dear friend and her daughter lost a husband and father in an accident that shouldn't have happened. What the hell? Don leaves behind a wonderful wife, and a beautiful 14 year old daughter. The picture perfect family. I loved him so, never a harsh word against anyone, and he truly enjoyed life. I am angry, and I am filled with sadness for Pam, his wife, and Lauren, his daughter. I'm tired and emotionally drained. Most of all, I am very sad. I want to fix this, but I can't. Dammit. I feel I can't do enough. There are days when I hate it that I care so deeply. Dammit. Maybe I keep too much to myself. I called my husband out of work, to just be with me for a while, before I have to go back to the (dreaded) funeral home. Sometimes life just sucks.

2006-11-13T05:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know where to begin, this isn't easy. One of my fav reads is a blog written by velvetsacks. She wrote a blog the other day about a program called challenge day. In my life I am all too familiar with programs designed to help our youth deal with bullying. Velvet's blog resurrected feelings and memories for me, ones I really choose not to revisit. As I look back , it started for my daughters in 4th grade, it was subtle.....but the bullying, relational aggression, whatever you want to call it was beginning to rear it's ugly head. It began to manifest itself into their lack of sleeping, appetite, confidence, in a nut shell, they began to feel worthless. I, as a mom, felt as if I was struggling to save my daughters from a rare, incurable, and fatal disease. Two of those previous descriptions, rare and incurable are far from the truth, fatal it CAN be. We struggled for the next two years, 6th grade came along, and I actually felt as if my daughters spirits had been broken. One week during 6th grade, it was becoming extremely intense in our home, and I literally felt myself choking on my heart. I decided to leave work at lunch to drop in on my daughters school. I arrived about 5 minutes into their lunch. When I entered the cafeteria through the side door, the only part of my body that saw, felt, and listened was my heart, the heart of a mother, the heart of a human being that has felt this in her life as a child, and at times as an adult. As I panned the room I noticed NO ONE was aware of what was happening, but me, the givers and the receivers. My girls happened to be the receivers that day, again. Now let me tell you, they don't have the "thick skin" that I have, and they may never have. Their sensitivity is a gift, and they shouldn't HAVE to change, it's who they are. That day, the looks I saw darting back and forth across that cafeteria were enough to frighten me, even I felt intimidated. Girls are silent daunters. My girls were sitting alone, right where those "other" girls wanted them. As I looked at my daughters faces, I could see it took every shred of power within them to keep from crying, until they spotted me. I backed off until after lunch, because I think I wanted to kill someone. I went to the principles office and told him I was taking the girls out of school for the rest of the day, and that we had plans.

When my daughters and I moved to this community, I was going through a divorce, we all were going through our own difficult times. But without a doubt, I knew we were the bastards of the community. The school I chose to send them to was a small Christian school. The background of their fellow students went back 3 to 4 generations. We were for the most part happy with our move, and we did love the school. After 6th grade, I for the most part had gotten fed up with the atmosphere there. The cruelty had been fostered by some of the teachers if you can believe it. When they reached 7th grade I went to a parent teacher conference and begged the teacher to do something about these issues, I had already spent 3 years online researching bullying, and you couldn't tell me it wasn't real. I purchased the teacher books on the subject, brought her information on where to look for help, contacted a Judge in a neighboring town who writes material on the subject. I had given this teacher an arsenal, and all she could say to me was,"Sandy, I DON'T have time for this". I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. I told her that she was loosing productive time in class with all of this bullying going on, I mean what child can concentrate in class thinking "who is whispering about me, who is making fun of me, and why didn't I get an invitation to that party?" The Judge I obtained the material from, KNEW how important it was that these issues be addressed, because many of the youth he encountered in court had been the victims of such cruelty, they just chose to handle it with drugs, knifes, guns. I did continue to pursue the issue with the principle, pastor, anyone who would listen, and finally they implemented a program, but it wasn't strong enough, they didn't make it known that they are zero tolerance. And it was hard for them to admit they had a problem.

When 8th grade rolled around, we chose to home school. The teacher that told me she didn't have time for this, sat down on her porch and cried when I told her the girls wouldn't be returning, she also told me she didn't want to deal with it, because it brought back too many painful memories for her. She figured she survived, so will her students. This torture that happens in schools stays with us for a life time, some of us are able to put it on it's proper shelf in our minds, for others it never goes away, and causes us to bully others the rest of our lives. We all carry pain of some sort in our lives, most of us handle it fairly well, but for children and teenagers who can't handle it, they use drugs, kill fellow students, or commit suicide. EVERY student deserves to be respected for who they are, they deserve to attend school without fear, they deserve to feel accepted and loved. Diversity training is a place to start.

High school is now here, and talk about preconceived notions...my girls think all of the pretty girls have perfect lives, and have suffered no pain. WRONG!! I told my daughters, you all share the trauma of pain, no one is exempt from life, so don't think for a moment you don't have anything in common with the wealthy, or pretty, or popular girls, and also those on the opposite end of the economic scale, because you do, we have all been hurt. While driving one of my daughters home from a football game a month ago, her friend happened to hitch a ride with us, she, as my daughter put it, is one of the most popular girls in 9th grade, cute as can be, her parents have a showcase home, and drive beautiful new vehicles. I was listening to them talk about scary movies and the girl said to my daughter, "I get scared really easy, I can't watch those movies". My daughter asked why, and the girl told her it's because she had been raped as a child, in the dark, by a man her family trusted. My daughter told her she was so sorry. I asked the girl if he is still in prison, she said no, so I then asked his name (so I could check this out for myself), I went on Michigans sex offender web site, and sure enough I saw his face and what he did time for, he now lives in a lovely home in my neighboring community. My daughter learned first hand a valuable lesson that evening, don't judge people. She kept saying to me after we dropped that girl off, "mom, I would have never guessed that could have happened to her" I could actually see my daughters mind and heart grow as she thought about what she just heard. I reminded her why we all deserve acceptance and love, no matter where we come from. This Challenge Day workshop is a program I will look into further, I wish it would be a part of the curriculum. I don't think the day is far off where that will happen, because we won't have a choice, I don't see that we have one right now.

But by the grace of God, they made it off to highschool.

2006-10-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't choked them yet. Last night I said it, words my mother said to me, but I don't think she meant them as much as I did. ANGELA, I can only hope you have 5 daughters....no wait, 8. I told her when she comes crying to me one day, I'm going to laugh, but only on the inside. Then I proceded to tell her I'm going to become senile one day, and visit her at her home, and shit in her best chair. She said to me, "I'll leave you there mom, you will die in that chair". Then I in turn told her, "someone would miss me", she said "yea, you're right, but they'll plan a party because YOU'RE DEAD!!!" You may wonder how people that love each other so much can speak that way to each other, I wonder that also. The word bitch as never entered my mind as much as it has these past 3 months. My lovely family (it took a lot to type that) believes in passive parenting, if you don't know what that is, look it up. Passive parenting is sort of like passive living, lay your ass down in the center lane of a highway, and let several wheels run over you. My family has this belief that no matter what my girls do, or what awful things happen to them, somehow I'm responsible, sounds screwy to me, whatever happened to personal responsibilty, it's called "the choices they make" I know now, after raising my daughters for 14 short years, you work strictly by your gut. Now boys are entering the picture (those bastards). My father told me many, many years ago, the one and only thing boys want....I listened to him, I remained a virgin up until I was almost 18, and then I shouldn't have given it away. So I tell my daughters the same thing. Thank God they can talk to me most of the time about sex, but I'm sure there are many things they don't tell me. Like the other evening, I was driving Amanda to get her hair cut, she turned to me and said, "mom, the other day, so and so (so and so is 13) gave Tommy a boner", I looked at Amanda and said," Why do you tell me this stuff when I'm driving 55 MPH?? Do you know what a boner is???? It's an erection, a hard on, the boy is excited...do you really know what that is?" She said," I do now". She also let me know she really doesn't want to hang with so and so to much anymore, because ALL she wants to talk about is boys. (Great sense of relief from my body came out!) In my heart I know it will turn out alright, part of the reason is because I'm involved emotionally with them, but it can be so draining. Our heads are in two completely different places, they would tell you mine is up my ass, and I'd tell you that is where they keep theirs. So fooey, phooy, or phoey, however you spell it, on that passive parenting shit, I'm choosing to stay involved, and right up their rectum till their minds mature. I love them enough to let them hate me right now. When the day comes, and they are wearing their caps and gowns, hopefully drug free, top of their class, unpregnant, and two responsible members of society, my lovely family can pat themselves on the back for the great job they have done. I for one will be thanking God for all of His help, I couldn't do it without Him.

Turn the heat DOWN..please!

2006-07-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

First blah, blah, blah from me: Is it only Michigan...or is it Flippin hot everywhere?? My dogs (I don't know how they do it) hold there urine all day after the first morning pee, even they don't want to step outside!
Second: At least I have had great entertainment on ebay these past few days, since it's too hot to venture out.
Third: My dear husband is working night shift till he retires at the end of the year, I miss him terribly at night. Max and Gabbie now feel they can replace him by sharing the bed with me..mmhh..I'll have to think about that. Anyhow this entire switch of his hours has sort of turned the rest of us around. My Jim is the best guy, never complains, just does what he has to do, he is very devoted. I am blessed.
Fourth: I was listening to a Christian radio station the other day, and it was a talk program. This woman was describing a time when she lost her voice for months...begging God to give it back, cripes sakes, after listening to her for 10 minutes, I wish God hadn't listened to her. I would be the perfect mute...I was thinking she was lucky to loose her voice..I could handle that..I think I'm a closet recluse. When I do open my mouth, it's usually directed at Amanda and Angela, and is very loud, AND words have rolled off my tongue that would make a sailor blush. I gotta work on that.
Fifth: Life seems very busy this summer, where is it going? My mind seems so absorbed with "stuff", but important stuff. I need to make decisions about the future, like should I return to work as a pipefitter, or do I take the buy out? My husband doesn't want me to return, he always said he wanted us to go out of there together, I'm thinking he is right. But it's scary. I'll be forced..and that's a good thing...to dive into what I've always wanted to do, and it's not a geologist (not yet anyway) it is pursuing my love of art, no it's my passion. I have no need to be famous, then I'd have to talk to people. I just want to create beautiful things from my heart and soul. I would love to be a "behind the scenes artist" and have no one know who I am, because I'm rather boring if you ask me, I'm not a bitch, I just don't have much to say...but I have lots to write!
Sixth: Evil things and people. I won, yep I won...It was a battle to keep my mouth closed about a certain person that I only know of via their web page. I so wanted to dive into a forum and join in. This person is not very kind, she says mean and hurtful things, I think she is more alone then anyone I know. I hate to wish ill on anybody, so I won't. This person has so much spiritual cancer, I'm surprised she hasn't fallen over and died. If the truth be known, she is in more pain then any of the people that she hurt. Now, that statement can either make you say aawww, poor so and so, or it may put a smile on your face, choose for yourself. I'm not saying what I choose, cause I'm doing the writing here, it's my blog.
Seventh: I must get ready for church, I'm thanking God for the miracle He showed to the lady and her son. The benefit auction was a total success (see # 2 ^ there). I witnessed some beautiful things happen...the world indeed is a better place because of it, to think otherwise, is lunacy.

Independence Day 2006

2006-07-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

The town I live in, is in Michigan. We hold the most awesome July fourth celebration, it lasts a total of 5 days, beginning with a fair, and wrapping up with 3 days of fireworks. The final night of fireworks lasts around 45 minutes, it surpasses Detroit by a long shot. We are very blessed in my community to have so many people give their time and money to make all of this happen. You can view the sky from as far as 10 miles, words cannot describe the explosions in the night sky. I love to go with my family and sit as close as possible, I want to feel the rumbles, and smell the gun powder, and feel the energy of the crowd. The water-way is jam packed with boats, the entire city is so full of life. Around 250,000 people come to our town to witness this grand show. The final song they play during the grand finale is "God Bless America" the words bring tears to my eyes, "God bless America, my home sweet home". I could not imagine living elsewhere, this country is not perfect, but by God, it doesn't get any better than this.

A "new" bike for Jonathon

2006-06-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

Last night while my husband and I were sitting in our backyard enjoying the beautiful evening, we heard the doorbell ring. At the door stood an elderly man I recognized, one year ago I used to live a 1/4 mile down the road from him. He asked me about an old innertube I had put out for pickup, he said he would like it for his grandson to use in his pool. I told him I would throw it in the pickup truck and deliver it to his home...we only moved a 1/2 mile from our old home. I told him I had been waiting for him and his grandson to ride their bikes by my home again because I had a bike they might be interested in. I had noticed the past few months that his grandson Jonathon had been riding a broken down bike, and it was a girls bike...kids get teased about those kind of things. I asked the grandpa if it was alright if I offered Jonathon a bike that my daughter had out grown, she maybe had 5 miles on it at most, and it was a boys bike. Grandpa said it was o.k., so I wiped the dust off from it, and wheeled it out of the garage. Jonathon jumped right on and took it for a spin. I may not have a picture on my camera of a seven year old boy, with black hair, stunning blue eyes, and a face covered with freckles, proud as could be riding his "new" bike, but my minds eye will hold that picture forever. I told the grandpa I would put it in the truck also, and deliver it to him. After I reached their home I unloaded the tube and bike and stayed for a visit. It was apparent to me that Jonathon had some problems, his grandpa told me he is ADHD, and that he is on medication. I spent some time with Jonathon explaining how to operate the gears on his new bike , and out of the blue he told me that he has a mom and dad, they just don't want him. I struggled to continue our lesson about gears, as I'm looking into his beautiful eyes wondering "HOW???", how could he NOT be wanted? I knew when I left their home last night it wouldn't be the last visit I will have with them. This morning about 11:00 (I'm being lazy in my jammies) the doorbell rang, it was Jonathon, he had a envelope for me, I opened it and read it, I laughed, and felt so overwhelmed with joy...the note had a picture of a monkey with wings holding a bananna, the note read, "Thankyou for the bike! I'll be flying around the neighborhood with my new bike! Keep cats, dogs, and cars out of the way. And don't step on a bananna peel. "signed" Your friend Jonathon" I let Jonathon know that this letter is going to hang on my refridgerator for a long time to come, we shook hands and said we will be seeing each other soon. I must say, I was honored that a 7 year old boy wants me to be his friend. If I can give him anything of importance, it will be hope. I have a feeling I will be involved in this childs life for a while, nothing I chose to do, rather it was chosen for me.

Max & Gabbie

2006-06-27T04:20:00.000-07:00

We went without living with a dog for 10 years, the time just wasn't right. Having a dog, to me, is a huge commitment, for I know when I take one on, it's part of our family till it's time for them to cross over that rainbow bridge. That is another reason why it was a hard decision, it's always been difficult for me to loose an pet. After much prodding by one of my daughters, we started checking out the animal shelter the end of August 2005. I had never been to one of those places, animals had always found me, I never went looking for one. This particular animal shelter is divided into good doggies, and bad doggies....although I don't think there are any bad doggies, only bad owners. Max was in a cold cement room with 65 cages, they were filled with the undesirable dogs. He was just dropped off that morning, and I suppose because of his breed, (chow, german shepard, retriever), and not knowing if he had any of those dog diseases, he was placed with the quarantined dogs. He looked so frightened, so mangy, and just so out of place. I remember after seeing him, I high-tailed it out of that room, holding my breath so my flood gates didn't break loose. My senses were reeling, I felt like I had just walked through a prison, like you see in a movie with the prisoners begging you to acknowledge them. I placed my name on the list for Max, grabbed my girls, ran to the car, and sat there and cried like a baby. We had to wait 5 days to see if someone would claim him, I didn't think that was going to be a problem. We returned the following week when the doors opened to take our new baby home...I asked the people at the desk (a county run shelter...paid for by taxpayers) if they would like vet references from me, they said with a puzzled look, "no, but we need $25.00 in CASH"....obviously they don't give a shit who takes these animals home. The only thing that curbed my "evil tongue", and "my wanting to bitch-slap-em hand" was Max's beautiful thankful eyes, and my daughters smiles.
Max has been everything I could have ever dreamed of in a dog, he knows his place in our home, and learns rather quickly, he only wants to please us (most of the time). I love him so much that this past Christmas we got him a "toy" named Gabbie.....she is another story, but for now I have to return to the book I'm reading titled "Cesar's Way" by Cesar Millan, he has the TV show "The Dog Whisperer", it's really a neat informative book.

The pool is up!!

2006-06-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

I must have hauled about 5,259,467 loads of soil and sand in the wheel barrow, just preparing the ground for a pool..my dear husband hauled about 325,000 more loads then I. I was elated Thursday night when he told me he was going to take Friday off from work so we could erect this pool. I love working along side of him...it's so natural, we work so well together. Every time we embark on a project for my girls, I am forever amazed at how he just goes at it. My Jim, is one of the finest men I have ever known, his mom and dad raised him well. My husband tells me my x-husband made it easy for him, anything he could do for me, surely surpassed what my EX did (or didn't do), and he is right. My sweet husband informed my daughters that the doggies can also share the pool with us.......half of me says, what the hell are you thinking??? The other half of me thinks, maybe I should not worry about the little stuff so much. I so wish I could relax more about things, guys are different for sure. Now if Michigan would only cooperate and give me some sunshine to warm this pool up...I need a tan, because as most people know, tanned fat looks better then white fat.

2006-06-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Today would have been my Dad's 73rd birthday. It is really a shame (for the family) that he died at the age of 71. Dad was a child at heart, and just as curious also. Growing up, I knew my Dad worked hard for his family. He was 18 when he married my Mom, she was 17. The odds today of a marriage starting out so young, and lasting, aren't very good, hey, the odds of marriages lasting at all are still at 50%, right? In the fifties, it seemed there were an entirely different set of values, or maybe values were valued more. I am sure their marriage endured rough times, but they were so busy raising 5 children there wasn't much time to dwell on their differences. I found my Dad the most enjoyable when he finally retired, it gave him the time to be a substitute Dad for my girls, and to set an example of what Dads are suppose to be like. He seemed like the glue that held our family together, because after he passed away, (and it WAS sudden, damned Michigan snow anyway) the family seemed to break apart, I just think some people need to grow up at some point in their lives. I know in my heart my Dad lives on in all of us, and the best way to honor him is to try and get along, it's what he would have expected. So in honor of his Birthday, I'm going to work hard, take Mom to get a new set of tires, lend an ear to someone who needs it, and have an ice cold beer. Rest in peace my dear Dad, you have earned it! I'll see ya someday when my work is done.

My eldest sister

2006-06-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

I suppose I write everything as though I'm having a one-sided conversation...which I am. I have too many thoughts and feelings, not, to put them down somewhere. This Blog helps me to maybe answer questions I have, and also remember my feelings, and thoughts, about a day. Hopefully this virtual space will always remain, so one day my children can read my thoughts, and know the me, outside of the Mom. At their age, they don't fully comprehend that I am a person (singular) , and that I feel (verb). For some reason that is the layout of life.
I had a wonderful...no, better then wonderful day yesterday. My mom dropped my eldest sister off to my home in the early afternoon, it has been way too long since she and I shared time alone, (the girls are in day camp this week and almost hate it). Most of the day consisted of each other co-existing in each others space...with perfect harmony I might add. I was born on Cindys birthday, which is November 23...she is 7 years my senior, (I always say to her, I was her best birthday present)...she only glares at me, I do it to get a rise out of her (smiling).

When I was a young child, Cindy is what people labeled as "mentally retarded", I prefer to use that label for some people, such as my X boss..(smiling again). Now we refer to people like her as developmentally disabled, or slow, or mentally challenged. Couldn't we all fall into those categories at one time or another? Cindy is 53 years old, but in this world I would place her at around 10 or 11 years of age. When I am with her, I have a degree of patience that surpasses MY comprehension, (patience is not my long suit by any means). I have always learned from her, and continue to do so, I, for as long as I can remember have referred to her as a gift. Because of who she is, I personally, have learned tolerance for those whom don't respond physically or mentally as quick as most. She tires very easily, so I made a comfy sleeping area for her, and turned on one of her favorite shows, layed one of my pups next to her, while the big pup layed on the floor, perfect harmony. When she awoke, she said, "Sandy, I had a deep nap". I only smiled, (my heart was bursting with joy), she felt so safe with me and my dogs. My dogs gave her much love and attention, they are wonderful creatures. In the evening, we sat outdoors and soaked in the beautiful warm summer air, she decided to get up and take a walk alone, as I sat back and watched her walk away from me, I couldn't help but notice how she walks a little slower, or how her hair is graying, or how she walked in a way that she knows she is aging. It is difficult to view Cindy as getting older, because she socially acts as if she is a young child. By the grace of God, (and a lot of training by our mother) Cindy is able to manage in her own home, she enjoys her independence (don't most of us?). As I was driving her home in the late evening, I asked her what she will be doing the rest of the night, she mentioned a few T.V. programs, one of them being Power Rangers, and I am reminded again of how vunerable she is in this crazy world. We as a family, (separately, but that's another story) will forever have to watch over Cindy and keep her safe and healthy, it is not a burden in any way to me, for the little I give to her, I receive back ten-fold. Not that a message is needed here, but if there were to be one, it's all in your perspective, (kind of the half empty or half full way of thinking). But with Cindy, I don't completely choose my perspective, it's almost like it's inevitable. So, here's to you sis, (that's her nickname for me) you fill my heart with such joy! I love you.

Cracked pot

2006-06-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

My daughters and I attended a contemporary service at our church last night, I felt an overwhelming need to go. Funny, when that happens, it seems as though the sermon is directed towards me. Our Pastor spoke of a water bearer who would tote two clay pots to the river for water for his master. One of the pots was totally intact, the other bore a crack. After about a year the cracked pot apologized to the water bearer saying, "I am so sorry, by the time you return, half of the water that I hold is gone". The water bearer told the pot, "even though you are flawed, you still have been useful, you see I have planted flower seeds along our path, and as we walked you have managed to water those seeds so I could provide fresh cut flowers to my master". (I hate it when I cry in church) Lately I have been feeling broken and not of much use. Through that message I find God loves us no matter where we are in life, no matter how broken we are, He will use us for His benefit. The Pastor had two clay pots on the altar, one flawless, the other cracked. He placed a candle in each one to demonstrate that in some of the most broken people, you can see Gods light shine through the most. The sermon also reminded me of Gods perfection, how He can love the most unloveable people, even I can't do that....a few names come to mind. ;) After the sermon ended people stood around and chatted, and talked about the cracked pot, many saying how they feel broken also, so I proceeded
to say, "I have a BIG crack"...after my daughter poked me in the back I realized what I had just said..I.COULD.HAVE.DIED!! On the bright side I know my daughter will have some of her mothers raunchy sense of humor, that sense of humor was my saving grace when I worked in a world of all men, it helped to break the ice, and to keep them on their toes. By the time the work day ended, I was sure they would go home and treat their wifes with the respect they so deserved...because I let them know in no uncertain terms that they weren't easy to work with...how in Gods name did their wifes put up with them??? May you find the peace of God in your day..no matter how perfect you feel, or how broken you are.

My Maypole of life

2006-06-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

To me a Maypole is "something" to dance around, something that brings great joy. For me, it was, and remains my father. This has been my second year without my father here with me on Fathers Day. He set a wonderful example for my daughters and I......and many others also. I eventually will figure out this entire blog thing, and post a picture of him. My dad was truly a gift from God, I believe sent to spread joy, and to keep his children safe and warm. I only hope that he knew how much he gave to his family, he deserved that much. He visits me in my dreams when I call out to him, I do know, he is not gone. I do hope I thanked him enough for all that he did for us and for all of the times he was there for me, and I hope I told him enough times how much I loved him. Dad was my Maypole in life, I so enjoyed dancing around him, he surely was a sight to behold!
I love you Dad, for you were my favorite person in the entire world.